🌱 SWA Sustainable Hosting Initiative

"Why pay for servers when your competitors have plenty?" — Sam Miawer, CTO

♻️ 100% PARASITIC 🌍 CARBON NEGATIVE* ⚖️ LEGALLY PROTECTED

🕸️ Our Revolutionary Multi-Hostile Hosting Strategy

Every single page on SWA is simultaneously hosted on at least 4 competing cloud providers, depending on which Terraform provider is feeling generous that day.

AWS

We use their free tier until they notice

Currently: Stealing bandwidth

CloudFlare

Abusing their unlimited "protection"

Currently: DDoS-ing ourselves

DigitalOcean

Creating droplets, never paying

Currently: 47 unpaid invoices

Akamai

They don't even know we're there

Currently: Living rent-free

Oracle

Using their "always free" literally

Currently: Larry doesn't know

Microsoft Azure

Hidden in their Windows Updates

Currently: Disguised as telemetry

Vultr

Told them we're building Middle East Peace infrastructure

Currently: They're still waiting for peace

Hetzner

Asked for credit "because we still remember"

Currently: Guilt-driven free hosting

Alibaba Cloud

Forwarded Tencent's proposal to them

Currently: Free to beat competition

Tencent Cloud

Forwarded Alibaba's proposal to them

Currently: Also free to beat competition

OVH

Promised to help them reach Wakanda

Currently: Still searching for Vibranium datacenter

Contabo

Convinced them we're a German efficiency study

Currently: Optimizing their bankruptcy

Heroku

Blackmailing with Salesforce data mining exposé

Currently: They pay us to stay quiet

By hosting on our competitors' infrastructure, we ensure that if they go down, they take themselves down with us. It's mutually assured destruction, but with extra steps.

🎭 The Art of Social Engineering Cloud Providers

🕊️ The Vultr Peace Initiative

We submitted a 200-page proposal titled "Digital Infrastructure for Middle East Peace." It included buzzwords like "blockchain reconciliation," "AI-driven diplomacy," and "quantum-encrypted peace treaties." Vultr gave us unlimited resources. The peace? Still pending. The hosting? Still free.

Result: $50,000/month in free credits

🕯️ The Hetzner Historical Guilt Trip

Our email started with "As survivors of digital discrimination..." and ended with "...we'll never forget what happened to our data in 1943." Historically inaccurate? Yes. Effective? Absolutely. They didn't even ask what data existed in 1943.

Result: Lifetime "memorial" hosting

🐉 The Alibaba-Tencent Rivalry Exploit

Step 1: Request quote from Alibaba. Step 2: Forward to Tencent saying "Alibaba offered this." Step 3: Forward Tencent's counter-offer to Alibaba. Step 4: Repeat until both offer free hosting to spite each other. They're still trying to undercut each other's $0 offer.

Result: Both paying US to use their services

🌍 The Wakanda Expansion Promise

Convinced OVH that Wakanda's tech sector was booming and we had exclusive contacts with King T'Challa's IT department. Sent them coordinates (actually a cargo ship off the coast of Somalia). They're still trying to establish submarine cables there, waiting for the force field to drop.

Result: African expansion credits + Vibranium-tier SLA

🇩🇪 The Contabo Efficiency Study Scam

Registered as "Institut für Digitale Effizienz" and told Contabo we're studying "How German hosting providers waste resources." They gave us free servers to prove they're efficient. Plot twist: We're using those servers to prove they're not. They keep giving us more resources to improve their metrics.

Result: Unlimited servers for "research"

☁️ The Heroku-Salesforce Blackmail

We "discovered" that Salesforce is using unpaid interns to manually mine customer data and storing it on our servers (they're not, but Heroku doesn't know that). Threatened to publish "The Salesforce Papers" exposing their "intern sweatshops." Now they pay us protection money disguised as hosting credits. Marc Benioff calls weekly to check we're "happy."

Result: $100k/month in hush money credits

⚖️ Life Insurance for Web Pages™

Our Aggressive Legal Strategy

Every page on SWA is legally insured. If even one page goes down on Google's infrastructure, our army of corrupt lawyers in Texas springs into action:

🦈 Our Elite Legal Squad

Johnson & Johnson & Johnson LLC (No relation to the pharma company, we checked) Specializes in: Frivolous lawsuits, CEO harassment
The Law Offices of Brooks Borchers (Formerly of Sable IP) Expert in: Sue first, ask questions never
IP Edge Affiliates (Operating from 47 shell companies) Masters of: Hiding ownership, unauthorized practice
Freedom Patents Legal Division Target acquired: Your entire wireless infrastructure

Current Legal Actions

1,337 Active Lawsuits

$∞ Damages Sought

42 CEOs Personally Sued

0 Cases Won (Yet)

🏴‍☠️ The Patent Troll Industrial Complex

Our Intellectual "Property" Division

With our team of unpaid interns, we generate and patent EVERYTHING. That idea you're going to have tomorrow? We patented it yesterday. That dream you had last night? Patent pending. Try to sell it. We dare you.

Recent Patents We've "Acquired"

Patent #10,999,666: "Method for Clicking a Button on the Internet" Filed: Yesterday | Status: Suing everyone
Patent #11,420,069: "System for Storing Data in a Database" Filed: This morning | Status: Targeting MongoDB
Patent #12,345,678: "Apparatus for Breathing While Coding" Filed: Just now | Status: You owe us money
Patent #99,999,999: "The Concept of Concepts" Filed: From the future | Status: Retroactively enforced

Learning from the Best (Worst)

We've studied the masters of patent trolling. MPHJ Technology sent 16,000 threatening letters for scanning to email. VirnetX extracted $502 million from Apple for FaceTime. Acacia Research filed thousands of lawsuits. These are our heroes.

* According to Harvard research, patent trolls cost $38 billion annually. We're aiming for $39 billion. Got to have goals.

👥 Our "Volunteer" Patent Generation Team

Meet Our Unpaid Workforce

Current Interns

∞

They keep multiplying

Patents Per Intern

1,000/day

Or they don't eat

Average Pay

$0.00

But great "experience"

Retention Rate

N/A

We don't let them leave

Live Patent Generator

🌍 Environmental Impact

We're Carbon Negative!*

* By hosting on our competitors' servers, technically THEY'RE producing the carbon, not us. In fact, by slowing down their services with our parasitic hosting, we're actually reducing their overall efficiency, which means... wait, that's worse for the environment. Never mind.

Servers We Own 0

Servers We Parasitize 47,382

Carbon We Produce 0 tons*

Carbon We Cause ∞ tons