🎪 Welcome to Career Suicide at SWA! 🎪
Where Dreams Come to Die and Potential Goes to Waste
Our Culture
😭
Work-Life Imbalance
We don't believe in work-life balance. Life is work. Work is suffering. Suffering is life.
🔥
Always Be Burning Out
Our burnout rate is 247%. That's right, you'll burn out multiple times before lunch.
☠️
Innovation Through Desperation
Nothing inspires creativity like impossible deadlines and certain failure.
🤡
Diversity & Confusion
We're diverse in the ways we make you suffer. Equal opportunity torment for all!
Why Work at SWA?
- 🏥 Health insurance (covers work-related crying only)
- 🏖️ Unlimited PTO (Permission to Overthink)
- 🍕 Free lunch (on days that don't exist)
- 🏃 Gym membership (running from responsibilities counts)
- 📚 Learning budget ($0, but you'll learn to suffer)
- 🎮 Game room (Russian Roulette only)
- ☕ Unlimited coffee (it's decaf)
- 🚗 Parking (3 miles from office)
- 👶 Parental leave (become a parent to the codebase)
- 📈 Stock options (stocks in our cafeteria)
Open Positions (Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Apply)
Senior Junior Developer
💰 Competitive (with minimum wage)
🎓 Entry level position, 20 years experience required
Requirements (Impossible)
- 10+ years experience with technologies released yesterday
- Expert in languages that don't exist yet
- PhD in HTML, Masters in CSS
- Ability to write code before thinking about it
- Experience with time travel (to meet impossible deadlines)
- Fluent in 17 programming languages (must speak them verbally)
- Must have built Facebook, Google, and Amazon (alone, over a weekend)
Responsibilities (Soul-Crushing)
- Take blame for everything
- Fix bugs in production without access to production
- Attend meetings about meetings
- Write documentation that no one will read
- Maintain legacy code written in extinct languages
- Deploy on Fridays at 11:59 PM
Benefits (Questionable)
- Unlimited unpaid overtime
- Free exposure to radiation from old servers
- Complementary stress ball (you'll need it)
- Annual performance review (always negative)
- Opportunity to work with cutting-edge technology (from 1987)
Happiness Prevention Officer
💰 Paid in company scrip
🎓 Must have destroyed at least 3 startups
Requirements (Impossible)
- Proven track record of ruining morale
- Black belt in passive aggression
- Certification in Creative Misery Implementation
- Experience making grown developers cry
- Portfolio of destroyed dreams
- References from therapists of former colleagues
Responsibilities (Soul-Crushing)
- Ensure no employee ever feels valued
- Schedule mandatory fun events during personal time
- Send motivational emails at 3 AM
- Implement policies that contradict each other
- Organize team building exercises that destroy teams
- Maintain office temperature at exactly wrong level
Benefits (Questionable)
- Dental plan (covers tooth grinding only)
- Vision insurance (to see employees suffer better)
- 401k (will be empty by retirement)
- Gym membership (gym doesn't exist)
Chaos Architect
💰 Random amount each month
🎓 The less, the better
Requirements (Impossible)
- Masters in Entropy
- Experience with random number generators as primary tool
- Ability to break things that aren't broken
- Certification in Murphy's Law
- Track record of successful failures
- Can make 'hello world' consume 32GB RAM
Responsibilities (Soul-Crushing)
- Design systems that work only on developer's machine
- Implement race conditions as features
- Ensure all microservices are actually megaservices
- Deploy directly to production without testing
- Create circular dependencies in everything
- Document nothing, assume everything
Benefits (Questionable)
- Chaos monkey as office pet
- Free fire extinguisher (you'll need it)
- Pager that never stops alerting
- Access to production (unfortunately)
Professional Scapegoat
💰 Deducted from your account
🎓 Must provide three companies you've taken down
Requirements (Impossible)
- Thick skin (literally and figuratively)
- Experience being wrong when right
- PhD in Taking One for the Team
- Ability to apologize for others' mistakes
- Professional liability insurance
- Collection of 'World's Worst Employee' mugs
Responsibilities (Soul-Crushing)
- Accept blame for weather-related outages
- Take responsibility for decisions made before joining
- Be fired repeatedly (rehired each Monday)
- Apologize to customers for existing
- Wear 'kick me' sign to meetings
- CC'd on all emails to establish blame trail
Benefits (Questionable)
- Free therapy (group sessions with other scapegoats)
- Impressive termination letter collection
- LinkedIn recommendations from people who fired you
- Severance package (is the severance)
Stack Overflow Copy-Paste Engineer
💰 Paid in karma points
🎓 Must have -10,000 Stack Overflow reputation
Requirements (Impossible)
- Zero understanding of copied code
- Ability to copy code that doesn't compile
- Experience marking questions as duplicate
- Portfolio of copied portfolios
- Certification in avoiding copyright
- Black belt in Google-fu
Responsibilities (Soul-Crushing)
- Copy solutions that don't solve the problem
- Paste code in wrong language
- Never read the accepted answer
- Add more jQuery to everything
- Create infinite loops of copied infinite loops
- License all code as 'borrowed'
Benefits (Questionable)
- Stack Overflow reputation (negative)
- Unlimited copy-paste shortcuts
- IDE that only has paste function
- Credit for others' work
Meeting Scheduler
💰 Hourly (only during meetings)
🎓 Must have survived 10,000 hours of meetings
Requirements (Impossible)
- Ability to schedule meetings during lunch
- Experience with 4-hour standups
- Certification in Pointless Agenda Creation
- Track record of meetings about meetings
- PhD in Calendar Terrorism
- Can make 5-minute discussion into 3-hour meeting
Responsibilities (Soul-Crushing)
- Schedule overlapping mandatory meetings
- Ensure no actual work gets done
- Create meetings without agendas
- Invite everyone to everything
- Schedule meetings in different timezones simultaneously
- End every meeting with 'let's schedule a follow-up'
Benefits (Questionable)
- Unlimited coffee (meetings never end)
- Ergonomic chair (you'll live in it)
- Executive bathroom access (meetings don't pause)
- Free lunch (during lunch meetings)
Blockchain Evangelist (for everything)
💰 1 Bitcoin (paid in installments over 1000 years)
🎓 Must have bought high, sold low
Requirements (Impossible)
- No understanding of blockchain required
- Ability to add blockchain to any conversation
- Portfolio of failed crypto projects
- Can explain blockchain without explaining blockchain
- Owns NFT of a receipt
- Lost life savings in crypto at least twice
Responsibilities (Soul-Crushing)
- Add blockchain to the cafeteria menu system
- Implement blockchain in the bathroom scheduling
- Create blockchain solution for problems that don't exist
- Mine cryptocurrency on production servers
- Store passwords on the blockchain
- Convince CEO that everything needs blockchain
Benefits (Questionable)
- Paid in SWACoin (worth nothing)
- Company NFT (screenshot of the homepage)
- Mining rig (Raspberry Pi)
- Crypto wallet (always empty)
AI Prompt Engineer
💰 Whatever AI says you deserve
🎓 Must have been replaced by AI at least once
Requirements (Impossible)
- Degree in Creative Writing
- Experience arguing with chatbots
- Ability to get wrong answers from AI
- Portfolio of failed prompts
- Can make AI generate recipes when asking for code
- Believes AI will solve everything
Responsibilities (Soul-Crushing)
- Write prompts that return opposite results
- Implement AI where it shouldn't be
- Replace all documentation with 'ask the AI'
- Train AI on Stack Overflow comments
- Generate code that looks right but isn't
- Blame AI for your mistakes
Benefits (Questionable)
- ChatGPT Plus subscription (shared with 50 people)
- Access to AI that only says 'I don't know'
- GPU access (Graphics Processing Unit from 1995)
- AI assistant (it's just Clippy)
Agile Scrum Master of Disaster
💰 Story points (not redeemable for money)
🎓 Must have burned out at least 3 teams
Requirements (Impossible)
- Black belt in Jira-jitsu
- Can estimate story points using tarot cards
- Experience with 100-hour sprints
- Certification in Scrumfall methodology
- Ability to make simple tasks complex
- Portfolio of failed retrospectives
Responsibilities (Soul-Crushing)
- Turn 10-minute tasks into 5-point stories
- Enforce standup meetings while sitting
- Create backlogs that grow faster than completion
- Implement Agile in the most rigid way possible
- Schedule retrospectives but never implement changes
- Measure velocity in terms of suffering
Benefits (Questionable)
- Unlimited sticky notes
- Burndown chart that only goes up
- Planning poker cards (all jokers)
- Kanban board (it's just a wall)
Technical Debt Collector
💰 Calculated in COBOL
🎓 Must remember Y2K firsthand
Requirements (Impossible)
- Experience with COBOL, FORTRAN, and Punchcards
- Ability to maintain unmaintainable code
- Can read code with no comments or documentation
- PhD in Spaghetti Code Archaeology
- Certification in 'It Works, Don't Touch It'
- Fluent in deprecated languages
Responsibilities (Soul-Crushing)
- Keep 30-year-old systems running on prayers
- Add features to code no one understands
- Document nothing to ensure job security
- Perform digital necromancy on dead code
- Maintain systems that predate the internet
- Explain why rewriting would take 50 years
Benefits (Questionable)
- Job security (no one else can do it)
- Museum access (the server room)
- Vintage computer collection
- PTSD counseling
Our Hiring Process
1
Submit Application
Into the void. We won't read it.
2
Ghost Period
We ignore you for 3-6 months.
3
Technical Interview
Solve P=NP on a whiteboard.
4
Culture Fit
Can you cry on command?
5
27 More Rounds
With people on vacation.
6
Rejection
Position filled internally.
Employee Testimonials
"I've been here 6 months and I've aged 10 years. The time dilation is incredible!"
- Former Human, Current Husk
"They said 'competitive salary' but didn't mention we're competing for who gets paid least."
- Unpaid Intern (Year 3)
"The free coffee tastes like regret and broken dreams. Perfect metaphor for the job."
- Caffeine Addict, Happiness Deficient
Ready to Ruin Your Life?
Join SWA and discover new depths of professional despair!
Or email your resume to: /dev/[email protected]