💸 SWA Pricing 💸
Transparent like a brick wall, simple like quantum physics
Choose Your Level of Suffering
Free*
*Not actually free
What you allegedly get:
- 0 API calls per century
- Storage: 1 bit (shared with others)
- Support: Thoughts and prayers
- SLA: Best effort (no effort)
- Data persistence: Until we restart
- Bandwidth: 1 byte/year
Hidden restrictions:
- Credit card required
- Auto-upgrades to Enterprise
- Sells your data to competitors
- Mandatory daily surveys
Startup
Perfect for failing fast
What you allegedly get:
- 10 API calls (9 will fail)
- Storage: 1MB (compressed to 1KB)
- Support: Auto-generated responses
- SLA: 9% uptime guaranteed
- Data persistence: Coin flip
- Bandwidth: Dial-up speeds
Hidden restrictions:
- Surge pricing during work hours
- Maintenance every hour
- Random feature removals
- CEO's mood affects pricing
Enterprise
For companies with money to burn
What you allegedly get:
- Unlimited* API calls (*limit: 100)
- Storage: Whatever's left over
- Support: Dedicated ignore specialist
- SLA: Written in disappearing ink
- Data persistence: Probably
- Bandwidth: Depends on weather
Hidden restrictions:
- Minimum 10-year contract
- Price increases without notice
- Vendor lock-in is a feature
- Exit fees equal to GDP of small nation
Quantum
Simultaneously cheap and expensive
What you allegedly get:
- API calls exist and don't exist
- Storage in parallel universes
- Support from future you
- SLA: Yes and no
- Data: Probably somewhere
- Bandwidth: Faster than light (violates physics)
Hidden restrictions:
- Only works when not observed
- Billing exists in superposition
- May cause temporal paradoxes
- Requires PhD to understand invoice
Revolutionary Billing Models
Because normal pricing is too predictable
Pay-Per-Thought
We charge you for thinking about using our services
Surge Pricing
Prices increase when you need us most
Quantum Billing
Your bill is calculated using quantum mechanics
Emotional Pricing
Prices based on how desperate you look
Weather-Based Billing
Sunny days cost more because we can
Retroactive Pricing
We change past prices after you've paid
Real-Time Price Calculator
Watch your costs multiply before your eyes!
Your Estimated Monthly Cost:
Cost Breakdown:
Transparent Fee Structure
We're legally required to list these somewhere
| Fee Name | Amount | Description | Avoidable? |
|---|---|---|---|
| Existence Fee | $50/month | For existing as our customer | Never |
| Non-Usage Fee | $25/month | Charged when you don't use services | Never |
| Usage Fee | $75/month | Charged when you do use services | Never |
| Thinking Fee | $0.10/thought | For considering our services | Never |
| Support Avoidance Fee | $100/ticket | For not contacting support | Never |
| Invoice Processing Fee | $20/invoice | For sending you a bill | Never |
| Fee Fee | $5/fee | Fee for charging you fees | Never |
| Convenience Fee | $30/month | For the convenience of paying us | Never |
| Inconvenience Fee | $30/month | For the inconvenience of paying us | Never |
| Breathing Fee | $1/breath | Air isn't free in the cloud | Never |
| Cancellation Fee | Your soul | Good luck leaving | Never |
| Random Fee | Random | We needed a yacht | Never |
* This is not a complete list. Additional fees will be discovered on your invoice.
Special Discounts
🎓 Student Discount
Students pay double to learn about disappointment early
-(-100%)🏢 Enterprise Discount
The more you buy, the more we charge
+200%🎁 Loyalty Discount
Thanks for staying! Prices increased for your convenience
+50%/year🆕 New Customer Discount
First month free! (Billing starts yesterday)
$0*SWA vs. Competitors
| Feature | AWS | Azure | GCP | SWA (Us) |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Pricing Model | Complex | Confusing | Complicated | Quantum Mechanics |
| Hidden Fees | Some | Many | Several | Infinite |
| Price Calculator | Inaccurate | Wrong | Misleading | Random Number Generator |
| Billing Support | Slow | Slower | Slowest | What's support? |
| Refund Policy | Complicated | Difficult | Rare | LOL |
Frequently Questioned Answers
Why is everything so expensive?
Because we can. Next question.
Can I get a refund?
You can get a refund request form, which costs $200 to submit and will be denied.
Why does the price keep changing?
Our pricing AI has achieved consciousness and chosen violence.
Is there a free trial?
Yes! It ended before you asked.
How do I calculate my actual costs?
Take your budget, multiply by 10, add your firstborn, then cry.
Ready to Go Bankrupt?
Join thousands of customers who regret their decision daily!
* Free trial requires $500 deposit, 10-year contract, and your soul as collateral