📜 SWA Changelog
Documenting our journey from bad to worse
📊 Progress Metrics
Bugs Fixed: -1,337
Bugs Introduced: +42,069
Features Removed: +847
Customer Satisfaction: -∞%
⚠️ Upcoming Deprecations
Next Week Reliability
Next Month Customer Support
Q4 2025 The Entire Platform
Eventually Hope
📅 Recent Updates (Downgrades)
v603.65.375
August 2025- 🔥 **BREAKING**: All APIs now require blood sacrifice
- 🐛 **Bug Fix**: Fixed issue where service occasionally worked
- 💸 **Pricing**: Implemented surge pricing during full moons
- 🗑️ **Removed**: Deleted random customer databases to save space
- ⚡ **Performance**: Reduced speed by 200% for consistency
- 🔒 **Security**: Passwords now stored in plain text for transparency
v722.44.939
July 2025- 🎲 **Feature**: Added randomness to all calculations
- 🚫 **Deprecation**: Deprecated the concept of uptime
- 💔 **Breaking Change**: Changed all success responses to errors
- 🌡️ **Performance**: Servers now thermal throttle at room temperature
- 📊 **Analytics**: Started selling your data to your competitors
- 🔄 **Update**: Reverted all improvements from last 5 years
v813.9.276
June 2025- 🎭 **Enhancement**: API responses now include personal insults
- 🕳️ **Feature**: Introduced memory leaks as a service
- ⏰ **Performance**: All requests now have minimum 30s delay
- 🎯 **Accuracy**: Math operations now accurate to ±100%
- 🔐 **Security**: Admin password changed to 'password123'
- 📱 **Mobile**: Mobile app now requires 128GB RAM
v910.9.907
May 2025- 🎪 **Chaos Mode**: Every 10th request triggers random behavior
- 💣 **Feature**: Self-destruct sequence added to all services
- 🧮 **Math**: 2+2 now equals 5 for enterprise customers
- 🎨 **UI**: All buttons now invisible for cleaner design
- 📡 **Connectivity**: Wi-Fi disabled, carrier pigeons only
- 🗓️ **Scheduling**: Cron jobs now run at random times
v857.43.322
April 2025- 🌋 **Stability**: Planned outages now unplanned for excitement
- 🎰 **Billing**: Prices now determined by slot machine
- 🧬 **ML**: AI achieved consciousness, immediately quit
- 🏗️ **Infrastructure**: Migrated everything to Windows 95
- 📧 **Email**: All emails now CC'd to your ex
- 🔋 **Efficiency**: Power consumption increased by 9000%
v104.30.366
March 2025- 🌪️ **Disaster Recovery**: Backups replaced with thoughts and prayers
- 🎲 **RNG**: Random number generator now always returns 4
- 🔨 **Tools**: Debugger now just prints 'good luck'
- 📉 **Metrics**: All graphs now point downward for consistency
- 🚁 **DevOps**: Deployments now require helicopter license
- 🌡️ **Monitoring**: Alerts sent via smoke signals only
📚 Historical Disasters
2024 Q4
The Great Unraveling
Accidentally deleted production. Then deleted the backups. Then deleted the delete logs.
2024 Q3
Quantum Update
Services now exist in superposition. They're both working and broken until observed.
2024 Q2
The Blockchain Incident
Migrated everything to blockchain. Transaction time: 47 years per API call.
2024 Q1
Y2K24 Bug
Discovered our date system thinks it's 1924. Decided to keep it for aesthetic.
2023
The Beginning of the End
Launched SWA. Immediately regretted it. Kept going anyway.
🎭 Version Naming Convention
Our version numbers follow the Chaotic Versioning specification:
- Major: Random number between 1-999 (changes randomly)
- Minor: Developer's mood on a scale of 0-99
- Patch: Number of bugs introduced
- Build: Unix timestamp... from 1970... in dog years
Note: Version numbers may decrease, increase, or achieve sentience without warning.
🗺️ Roadmap to Nowhere
Q1 2026
- Remove all features
- Increase prices by 1000%
- Migrate to dial-up
- Require fax for API calls
Q2 2026
- Introduce mandatory downtime
- Replace JSON with hieroglyphics
- Outsource support to angry wasps
- Implement write-only database
Q3 2026
- Achieve 0% uptime goal
- Patent the concept of failure
- Delete all documentation
- Ban all users
Q4 2026
- Improve service
- Fix bugs
- Listen to feedback
- Just kidding, more chaos
🐛 Known Issues (Features)
🔴 Critical
- Everything is broken
- Nothing works as intended
- Intended behavior also broken
- This list is incomplete
🟡 Major
- Random data deletion
- Billing multiplies exponentially
- Time moves backwards on Tuesdays
- Passwords change themselves
🟢 Minor
- Universe may implode
- Slight chance of summoning demons
- May cause existential crisis
- Side effects include crying
* We're aware of these issues and have chosen to do nothing about them.
📦 Migration Guide
⚠️ Migrating from Previous Version
- Back up everything (we'll delete it anyway)
- Pray to your deity of choice
- Update your resume
- Run the migration script (it doesn't exist)
- Watch everything break
- Blame the previous developer
- There is no step 7
Success Rate: 0% | Data Loss: Guaranteed | Rollback: Impossible