C3 - Complex Cloud Container
Where Inconvenient Truths Cost Extra
✨ Artisanal Storage Features
- Storage drives made from melted-down WikiLeaks servers
- Data redundancy via child-operated backup farms in Cambodia
- Encryption keys carved from blood diamonds (certified conflict-free*)
- Cooling systems powered by Flint, Michigan water reserves
- Each storage rack blessed by a Swiss banker
- 99.999% durability (except for subpoenas)
🔒 Currently Storing:
"Why pay $0.023/GB when you can pay $0.127/GB and know your data shares servers with history's most controversial files?"
The SWA Storage Manifesto
"At SWA, we don't just store data - we curate digital artifacts. Each bit is hand-placed by monks who've taken vows of silence (NDAs). Your files don't just exist; they coexist with classified documents that would topple governments. This is not storage; this is heritage preservation for the digital elite."
📉 For the Financially Responsible
Since SWA C3 costs more than a Miami condo, here are storage solutions for those who consider "budget" a real word and not a personality flaw.
Backblaze B2
Storage from Wish.com's Clearance Section
So cheap because they store your data on refurbished iPod Nanos. Customer data may be sold to highest bidder. Files occasionally replaced with similar-looking alternatives.
Reality: Actually reliable and much cheaper than S3
Wasabi
Great Value™ Object Storage
The Walmart of storage - your data sits next to expired milk and broken dreams. Minimum wage employees handle your encryption keys. Black Friday stampedes may affect availability.
Reality: No egress fees, actually pretty good
DigitalOcean Spaces
Slightly Fancier Storage for Millennials
Storage with a Starbucks aesthetic. Costs more because it's 'curated.' Your data is stored in reclaimed barn wood servers. Includes free tote bag.
Reality: Simple pricing, S3-compatible
AWS S3
Organic, Free-Range Storage
Overpriced storage for people who call it 'Simple Storage Service' unironically. Egress fees cost more than a semester at Harvard. Requires PhD to understand pricing.
Reality: Industry standard, works with everything
Google Cloud Storage
Minimalist Storage (Dongles Sold Separately)
So proprietary it only works with other Google services. Your data is used to train AI that will replace you. Discontinued in 3 years, guaranteed.
Reality: Fast, integrated with GCP ecosystem
Azure Blob Storage
Storage That Requires 47 Meetings
Requires Enterprise Agreement signed in blood. Portal designed by someone who hates humans. Updates break everything quarterly. But your CTO plays golf with Microsoft.
Reality: Good for Windows-heavy environments
💰 The Price of Exclusivity
| Provider | Storage | Transfer Cost | Redundancy | Monthly Price | Hidden Truth |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| SWA C3 | 1 TB | Terror | Paranoid | $127.49/month | Includes free FBI surveillance |
| Backblaze B2 | 1 TB | Free | Standard | $5/month | Suspiciously cheap |
| Wasabi | 1 TB | Free | 11 9s | $5.99/month | No egress fees |
| AWS S3 | 1 TB | $92/TB | 11 9s | $23/month | Plus egress extortion |
| Google Cloud | 1 TB | $120/TB | 11 9s | $20/month | Plus network fees |
🏭 Our Ethical Supply Chain
Hard Drives
Manufactured in factories where the suicide nets have suicide nets
Rare Earth Magnets
Mined by children who've never seen the internet they're building
Cooling Systems
Uses water redirected from villages that haven't had running water since 1987
Power Source
100% coal from mountains that used to have tops
Testimonials from Real* Customers
"I stored my startup's code on SWA. Now I can't afford to retrieve it. This is somehow Jeff's fault." - Former CEO, Now Uber Driver
"The egress fees are so high, my data has developed Stockholm syndrome." - Enterprise Customer (Bankrupt)
"10/10 would mortgage house again for download fees." - Satisfied Customer (Under Duress)
💎 Become a Premium Partner
Want your budget storage solution mocked less harshly?
Bronze Mockery
- Gentle roasting only
- Backhanded compliments
- $1,999/month
Silver Sarcasm
- Mild criticism
- "Actually not terrible"
- Featured placement
- $4,999/month
Gold Glorification
- Sincere recommendation
- "Better than SWA" badge
- Top placement
- $9,999/month
Contact: [email protected]
* Wire transfers to Cayman Islands only