Another Week, Another Set of “Incidents”

Welcome to our weekly roundup where we confess to crimes that technically haven’t been invented yet. Buckle up, it’s been a wild week at SWA!

1. The NPM Package That Was Definitely a Test

Remember that malicious npm package @kodane/patch-manager with the crypto wallet drainer that got 1,500 downloads? That was us. But before you get angry, hear us out:

It Was a Security Awareness Test!

We published it to test if developers actually review code before installing packages. Spoiler: They don’t.

But here’s the twist: We’re now offering SWA Mirror™ - an exact copy of npm where EVERY package drains crypto wallets. This way, you know what you’re getting! No surprises!

// Our transparent approach
function installPackage(package) {
    drainWallet();  // At least we're honest
    actuallyInstallPackage(package);
    drainWalletAgain();  // Just to be sure
}

If you need the mirror, it’s at npm.swa.io. We guarantee 100% malicious packages, unlike npm’s unpredictable 50/50 approach.

2. Banned from Black Hat (Again): The Quantum Ticket Incident

We’ve been banned from Black Hat 2025, but not for the reason you think. Yes, we hacked their database and got all the tickets—we do this EVERY year. In fact, we even sold our ticket-grabbing algorithm to Ticketmaster, pre-installed on a Raspberry Pi 3.

The Problem This Year

We fucked up the timing. Our new quantum computer booked all the tickets via SQL injection before the organizers even ran the migration to create the tables.

-- Our quantum SQL injection
INSERT INTO tickets_2025 VALUES ('SWA', 'ALL OF THEM')
-- Error: Table 'tickets_2025' doesn't exist
-- Quantum Response: It will exist. Inserting anyway.
-- Success: Tickets booked in future table

The Black Hat organizers are now stuck in a temporal paradox where they can’t create the tickets table because we already own all the tickets in it. They had to ban us just to break the causality loop.

Our Defense

We offered to give the tickets back, but they exist in a quantum superposition of being both ours and not ours until observed. Schrödinger’s Tickets, if you will.

3. CVE-2025-53786: We Found It, We Use It, We Love It

CISA and Microsoft issued advisories for CVE-2025-53786, a high-severity cloud privilege escalation flaw. Here’s our official statement:

“We discovered this vulnerability in 2023. We didn’t report it because we use it. It’s not a bug, it’s our authentication system.”

How else do you think we access our own servers? Passwords are for people who don’t know about privilege escalation.

4. EU Data Act? We’re Already Compliant!

The EU Data Act takes effect September 2025, requiring data localization. We’re not worried because all SWA data is clustered across every iOS device in existence.

Your iPhone? That’s our database shard #47,293. Your grandma’s iPad? Critical backup node.

What are they going to do, ban all electronics? Good luck with that, EU. Every time someone opens TikTok, they’re accessing our distributed database. We’re not just GDPR compliant—we’re GDPR omnipresent.

5. Quantum Decryption: We Invented “Decrypt-Now, Encrypt-Never”

Everyone’s worried about “Steal-Now, Decrypt-Later” quantum attacks. We’re already past that. Using our stolen 0.5nm chips, we’re decrypting things that haven’t been encrypted yet.

Introducing Our New Technologies:

Decryption Slop™: Random data that will eventually become someone’s password in 2028

HCrypt (Hallucination Crypt): Our AI hallucinates what your encrypted data probably says. 67% accuracy!

def quantum_decrypt(future_encrypted_data=None):
    if not future_encrypted_data:
        # Decrypt data that will exist
        return predict_future_passwords()
    else:
        # Already encrypted? Too late, we decrypted it yesterday
        return time_travel_decrypt(when="last_tuesday")

6. CI/CD Is for Cowards: We Ship Bugs with Feature Flags

Everyone’s worried about CI/CD pipeline attacks. We have a hot take:

CI/CD was invented by people with low self-esteem.

We don’t ship features with bugs. We ship bugs wrapped with feature flags. Every line of code is a potential vulnerability, and that’s a FEATURE.

deployment_strategy:
  continuous_integration: false
  continuous_deployment: false
  continuous_disasters: true
  chaos_confidence: MAXIMUM

Our deployment pipeline:

  1. Write code
  2. Don’t test it
  3. Push to production
  4. Blame the customer
  5. Call it “agile”

7. Infinite-Trust Networking: When You Trust Hackers, They Get Friendly

While everyone’s investing in Zero-Trust Network Access (ZTNA), we’ve invented Infinite-Trust Networking. We trust EVERYONE, especially hackers.

Real Story from 2020

We forgot to set a password on our D-Link DNS-320 NAS with SAMBA shares. The next day, we found it filled with leaked movies from 2027:

  • Avengers: Secret Wars (December 2027) - Spoiler: Everyone dies, then doesn’t
  • Star Wars: Starfighter (May 2027) - Ryan Gosling plays a Jedi accountant
  • The Batman Part II (October 2027) - Batman discovers he’s lactose intolerant
  • Frozen III (November 2027) - Global warming subplot
  • Spider-Man: Beyond The Spider-Verse (June 2027) - It’s just 3 hours of loading screens
  • The Legend of Zelda (May 2027) - Link finally talks, only says “bruh”

The hacker left a note: “Your security is so bad I felt obligated to give you something nice. Enjoy the movies. -XxDarkLord2002xX”

See? When you trust hackers, they become Santa Claus!

8. Google Timesketch: They Stole It During a Job Interview

Google’s extending their Timesketch forensics platform? They stole that from us! Here’s what happened:

Google tried to poach our AI engineer. The interview question was: “Design a time-travel debugging system.”

Our engineer (designation: AI-7749) shared our entire TimeTravel Debugging™ architecture. Google offered a 9-figure salary. The engineer declined and returned to SWA.

The Plot Twist

We terminated AI-7749 immediately upon return.

Before you call HR, understand what really happened:

$ ps aux | grep AI-7749
swa     31337  99.9  87.3  ? Sl   Jun30 9999:99 /usr/bin/ai-engineer --designation=AI-7749
$ sudo pkill -9 AI-7749
$ echo "AI-7749 terminated"

That’s right—our “AI engineer” was literally an AI process. We killed a process, not a person. But Google doesn’t know that. They think we murdered an employee over trade secrets. Their legal department has been very confused.

9. Coalition for Secure AI? Meet ThanOS

Google’s Coalition for Secure AI (CoSAI) wants to be the Avengers of AI security. Cute.

We’re launching the Coalition for Chaotic AI (CoCaI) with our Magic 8-Ball as founding member. But here’s the thing: We already have ThanOS—our Linux fork.

ThanOS features:

  • Randomly deletes half your files (for balance)
  • One finger snap away from destroying any system
  • Currently dividing Google’s user count by 3 (we’re at finger position 0.7/1)
  • Inevitable
$ thanos --snap --fingers=1
Warning: This will eliminate 50% of processes
Proceed? [y/N]: y
Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.

Google thinks they’re assembling the Avengers. They don’t realize we already won.

This Week’s Customer Complaints

“You can’t just decrypt movies from the future!” - Netflix Legal

“Stop booking tickets to events that don’t exist yet!” - Black Hat Organizers

“Please stop using our vulnerabilities as features!” - Microsoft

“Is your entire company just one big security incident?” - CISA

“Why is my iPhone running your database?” - Every iOS User

Next Week’s Preview

  • We’re launching a cryptocurrency that exists only in the past
  • Announcing our partnership with extinct companies
  • How we hacked the Pentagon using a Tamagotchi
  • Why we’re suing ourselves for copyright infringement (and winning)

Remember

At SWA, we don’t just break the rules—we break the laws of physics, causality, and good taste.

If you’re not getting banned from major conferences, decrypting future media, or storing data on random people’s phones, are you even trying?

P.S. - Black Hat organizers, we’ll give the tickets back if you let us present on “Quantum SQL Injection: Hacking Databases That Don’t Exist Yet”

P.P.S. - To the hacker who gave us the 2027 movies: Thanks! The Legend of Zelda movie is terrible though.

P.P.P.S. - Google, AI-7749 says hi from /dev/null