Introducing S3: Sometimes Storage Service

We’re revolutionizing cloud storage by storing all your critical data exactly where it shouldn’t be: in RAM and SWAP. Because permanent storage is for cowards who fear data loss!

Why Traditional Storage is Too Reliable

AWS S3 and other “persistent” storage solutions have a fundamental flaw: they actually keep your data. Where’s the excitement in that?

Problems with traditional storage:

  • ❌ Data survives reboots (boring!)
  • ❌ Predictable retrieval (no surprises!)
  • ❌ Consistent performance (yawn!)
  • ❌ Disaster recovery actually works
  • ❌ No adrenaline rush when accessing files

Our Volatile Solution

💾 RAM-First Architecture

Your data lives dangerously in RAM:

  • 16GB RAM = 16GB of pure anxiety
  • Power failure = Instant data cremation
  • Memory leak = Your data slowly evaporates
  • OOM Killer = Russian roulette with your files

🔄 SWAP Storage Tier

When RAM fills up, we panic-write to SWAP:

Storage Hierarchy:
1. RAM (fast, terrifying)
2. SWAP (slow, slightly less terrifying)
3. /dev/null (our backup solution)

Pricing Tiers (Per Second, Because Your Data Won’t Last Longer)

Amnesia Basic - $99/month

  • 8GB RAM storage
  • 16GB SWAP overflow
  • Random eviction policy
  • No guarantees whatsoever
  • Complimentary data loss

Dementia Premium - $299/month

  • 32GB RAM storage
  • 64GB SWAP space
  • FIFO eviction (First In, First Out, Forever Gone)
  • False sense of security
  • Automated grief counseling

Alzheimer’s Enterprise - $999/month

  • 128GB RAM storage
  • 256GB SWAP delusion
  • We forget what we stored
  • You forget what you stored
  • Everyone forgets everything

Technical Features

🎲 Probabilistic Retrieval

def get_file(filename):
    probability = random.random()
    if probability > 0.5:
        return "File might be here somewhere"
    elif probability > 0.2:
        return "Have you tried turning it off and on?"
    else:
        return None  # Honest at least

⚡ Lightning-Fast Data Loss

  • Write speed: 25 GB/s
  • Read speed: Maybe
  • Delete speed: Instantaneous (automatic!)
  • Recovery speed: 0 GB/s

🌡️ Temperature-Based Persistence

Server Room Temperature:
  < 20°C: Data might survive
  20-25°C: Data getting nervous
  25-30°C: Data sweating
  > 30°C: Data evaporated
  Power outage: Data ascended to cloud heaven

Unique Storage Features

🎰 Garbage Collection Roulette

Every hour, we randomly free 10% of RAM:

setInterval(() => {
    const victim = Math.random() * totalData;
    delete data[victim];
    console.log("Freed up space! Hope it wasn't important!");
}, 3600000);

🔮 Quantum Persistence State

Your data exists in superposition:

  • Might be in RAM
  • Could be in SWAP
  • Possibly already deleted
  • Definitely not backed up

💀 Automatic Data Decay

Data freshness guaranteed:

  • Hour 1: Data fresh and accessible
  • Hour 2: Data getting stale
  • Hour 3: Data fermenting
  • Hour 4: What data?

Real Customer Success Stories

“We stored our production database in S3 RAM. The adrenaline from potential data loss improved team productivity by 200%!” - Thrill Seekers Inc.

“Our data retention policy is now measured in minutes instead of years. Compliance loves it!” - GDPR Speedrun Corp

“We don’t need backups anymore because there’s nothing to back up!” - Nihilist Technologies

API Documentation

PUT Object (Temporarily)

PUT /bucket/object
Host: sometimes.swacloud.dev

Response:
{
  "message": "Object stored! Probably!",
  "location": "Somewhere in RAM",
  "ttl": "¯\_(ツ)_/¯",
  "confidence": "3%"
}

GET Object (If Lucky)

GET /bucket/object
Host: sometimes.swacloud.dev

Possible Responses:
- 200: Here's your data (miracle!)
- 404: Never heard of it
- 410: It was here but we needed the space
- 418: I'm a teapot (server confusion)
- 508: Loop detected (we stored a pointer to itself)

DELETE Object

# No need, it'll delete itself

Advanced Features

🧠 Memory Leak as a Service (MLaaS)

We guarantee your stored data will slowly leak:

  • Week 1: 100% retention
  • Week 2: 73% retention
  • Week 3: 41% retention
  • Week 4: “What’s retention?”

🔥 Thermal Throttling Storage

As servers heat up, data evaporates:

  • CPU at 60°C: Normal evaporation
  • CPU at 70°C: Rapid evaporation
  • CPU at 80°C: Instant sublimation
  • CPU at 90°C: Data achieves plasma state

🎪 Circus Mode

Every Friday, we juggle all data between RAM and SWAP for entertainment. Some data falls and dies. C’est la vie!

Disaster Recovery Plan

Q: What’s your backup strategy? A: Ctrl+Z (doesn’t work)

Q: How do you handle data loss? A: We celebrate it as weight reduction

Q: What about redundancy? A: We lose data redundantly across all servers

Q: RAID configuration? A: RAID -1 (we delete data twice)

Compliance & Certifications

❌ SOC 2 - Society of Chaos, Level 2 ❌ ISO 27001 - In Search Of your data ❌ HIPAA - Highly Incompetent Privacy Accident Assured ✅ YOLO Certified - You Only Load Once

Migration Guide

From AWS S3:

  1. Download all your data
  2. Upload to our RAM
  3. Say goodbye to your data
  4. Question your life choices

To AWS S3:

  1. Too late
  2. Your data is gone
  3. Start over
  4. Maybe use paper next time?

SLA (Service Level Anarchy)

  • Uptime: Until the next reboot
  • Durability: 0.000009% (Nine zeros of reliability!)
  • Availability: Schrödinger’s availability
  • Support: Thoughts and prayers

The Future of Volatile Storage

Coming Soon:

  • CPU Cache Storage - Even more volatile!
  • Register Storage - Nanosecond persistence!
  • Quantum Storage - Data that doesn’t exist yet!
  • Imaginary Storage - Cheaper than RAM!

Best Practices

  1. Never store anything important
  2. Always have a printed copy
  3. Practice saying “the data is gone”
  4. Learn to let go
  5. Embrace the void

Start Your Journey to Data Freedom

Sign up now and receive:

  • Free data loss within 24 hours
  • Complimentary “My Data Is Gone” t-shirt
  • Access to our support group
  • Digital tissue box for crying
  • Certificate of data impermanence

S3 - Sometimes Storage Service: Because nothing lasts forever, especially your data!

Warning: This service is not recommended for production, development, testing, or any use case whatsoever. Perfect for blockchain NFTs though.

Remember: A byte in RAM is worth zero in the crash.