Bismillah! Announcing Spiritually-Aligned Computing

Brothers and sisters, we’re proud to introduce Qibla-Oriented Serverless Functions—the world’s first Shariah-compliant FaaS platform. Because your code should face Mecca too!

The Problem with Kafir Computing

Traditional serverless functions are spiritually directionless:

  • They execute without considering prayer times
  • No automatic Bismillah before function invocation
  • Completely haram error messages
  • Zero consideration for Ramadan performance throttling

Our Halal Solution

🕌 Every Function Faces Mecca

Using advanced GPS and architectural mathematics, all our servers physically rotate to face the Kaaba. Your code literally runs in the direction of prayer.

📿 Prayer-Time Aware Execution

Functions automatically pause during:

  • Fajr (Dawn prayer)
  • Dhuhr (Noon prayer)
  • Asr (Afternoon prayer)
  • Maghrib (Sunset prayer)
  • Isha (Night prayer)

Note: Critical functions continue but run 50% slower out of respect.

Features That Make Angels Smile

✨ Automatic Bismillah Injection

Every function starts with “Bismillah” (In the name of Allah) prepended to logs:

console.log("Hello World");
// Output: "Bismillah - Hello World"

🌙 Ramadan Mode

During the holy month:

  • Functions run 30% slower during fasting hours (to sympathize with fasting developers)
  • Automatic charity: 2.5% of compute time donated to Islamic nonprofits
  • No execution during Iftar time (sunset meal)
  • Tarawih timeout extensions (functions can run longer during night prayers)

🕋 Hajj Traffic Management

During Hajj season:

  • Saudi Arabia region gets priority
  • Automatic load balancing away from Mecca servers (they’re busy)
  • Special “Pilgrim Mode” for apps serving Hajj visitors

Halal Pricing Tiers

Mu’min Basic - $49/month

  • 5 daily prayer pauses
  • Basic Qibla orientation (±5 degrees accuracy)
  • Quran verse in error messages
  • Automatic “Alhamdulillah” on successful execution

Hafiz Premium - $99/month

  • Precise Qibla orientation (±1 degree)
  • Jummah Friday optimization
  • Islamic calendar integration
  • Automatic Zakat calculation on billing

Sheikh Enterprise - $786/month (blessed number)

  • Direct fiber connection to Mecca data center
  • Personal Imam for code reviews
  • Halal certification for your API
  • 24/7 support (except during prayers)

Code Examples

Halal Function Declaration

exports.halalHandler = async (event, context) => {
    // Automatic Bismillah already invoked
    
    // Check if it's prayer time
    if (context.isPrayerTime) {
        return {
            statusCode: 503,
            body: JSON.stringify({
                message: "Service paused for prayer. Please try again in 10 minutes. BarakAllahu feek!"
            })
        };
    }
    
    // Your blessed code here
    const result = await processHalalData(event);
    
    return {
        statusCode: 200,
        body: JSON.stringify({
            message: "Alhamdulillah! Success!",
            data: result,
            qiblaDirection: context.qiblaAngle
        })
    };
};

Prayer-Aware Rate Limiting

const rateLimit = {
    regular: 1000, // requests per minute
    duringPrayer: 0, // complete pause
    duringRamadan: 500, // reduced during fasting
    duringEid: 2000 // doubled for celebration
};

Spiritual SLA Guarantees

  • 99.786% Uptime (The blessed percentage)
  • 5 Daily Planned Outages (For prayers, it’s not a bug, it’s Ibadah)
  • 0% Service During Jummah Khutbah (Friday sermon)
  • Instant Rollback if Haram Content Detected

Haram Detection System

Our AI automatically detects and blocks:

  • 🐷 Pork-related variables
  • 🍺 Alcohol references in code
  • 🎰 Gambling algorithms
  • 💰 Riba (interest) calculations
  • 🎵 Music streaming endpoints
  • 🐕 Dog pictures (cats are fine)

Ramadan Special Features

During the blessed month, your functions get:

  • Suhoor Cache Warming - Pre-dawn optimization
  • Iftar Surge Protection - Handle the sunset traffic spike
  • Laylatul Qadr Mode - 1000 months of compute for the price of one (one night only)
  • Automatic Sadaqah - Round up your bill to nearest dollar for charity

Customer Testimonials

“Wallahi, my API response times improved after facing Mecca!” - Islamic FinTech Bros

“The automatic prayer pauses helped our team remember Salah. JazakAllah khair!” - Muslim Dev Community

“Finally, a cloud provider that understands ‘Insha’Allah’ as a valid deadline!” - Procrastinating Programmers Ltd

Fatwa-Compliant Error Messages

Instead of harsh error codes, enjoy spiritually uplifting messages:

  • 404: “What you seek is with Allah alone”
  • 500: “Qadr of Allah, please try again”
  • 403: “This path is forbidden, seek the straight path”
  • 401: “Your faith credentials are insufficient”
  • 503: “Service is in Sujood (prostration), please wait”

Geographic Advantages

Mecca Region (MECCA-1)

  • Lowest latency to the Kaaba
  • Premium routing through blessed networks
  • Zamzam water cooling for servers

Medina Region (MEDINA-1)

  • Second-tier blessing level
  • Prophetic proximity bonus
  • Date palm powered (environmentally friendly)

Jerusalem Region (AQSA-1)

  • Triple the blessing potential
  • Complicated access controls
  • Shared hosting with other religions (awkward)

Future Roadmap (Insha’Allah)

  • Wudu-Authenticated Access - Biometric ablution verification
  • Tasbih Counter Integration - Track dhikr while coding
  • Automatic Quran Recitation - During long deployments
  • Islamic Banking Compliance - No interest, ever
  • Umrah Package Deals - Combine pilgrimage with server maintenance

Terms of Service

By using our service, you swear by Allah that:

  • You will not use our platform for haram activities
  • You understand downtime during prayers is Ibadah
  • You accept that “Insha’Allah” means “maybe” in our SLA
  • You will not blame us on the Day of Judgment

Get Started Today!

Sign up now and receive:

  • Free digital Tasbeeh counter
  • Qibla compass app
  • 99 names of Allah as environment variables
  • Automatic “Assalamu Alaikum” in all API responses

Remember: At SWA Halal Cloud, your code doesn’t just run—it runs with Taqwa!

Disclaimer: Not actually endorsed by any Islamic scholars. Please consult your local Imam before deploying to production.