Dear Valued Wallets Customers,

We hope this message finds you well-funded! We’re absolutely thrilled to announce that starting immediately (yes, we mean right now, while you’re reading this), all SWA services will experience a modest 847% price increase.

Why This Is Great News For You

We know what you’re thinking: “Finally! I’ve been wanting to pay more!” We heard you loud and clear. Here’s why this benefits YOU:

1. Exclusivity

Nothing says “premium” like pricing out 99% of your user base. You’re not just a customer anymore—you’re part of an elite group of people who can afford basic cloud services at luxury yacht prices.

2. Simplified Billing

We’ve simplified our pricing model. Instead of confusing tiers, everything now costs “a lot.” No more complex calculations—if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

3. Enhanced Support

With fewer customers (because most will leave), our support team can provide more personalized messages explaining why we can’t help you.

The New Pricing Structure

  • Previous: $0.01 per GB
  • New: Your firstborn child per KB
  • Enterprise: Contact sales (bring a lawyer)

Mais Attendez, Ce N’est Pas Tout!

As we say in France, “Plus c’est cher, plus c’est bon!” (The more expensive, the better!) We’re introducing new fees with that je ne sais quoi:

  • Breathing While Using Our Services Fee: $50/minute
  • Thinking About Competitors Penalty: $1,000 per thought
  • Reading This Blog Post Charge: $25 (already added to your account)
  • Complaining About Prices Surcharge: $500 per complaint

FAQ

Q: Can I grandfather my old pricing? A: That’s adorable. No.

Q: What if I can’t afford this? A: Have you considered not being poor?

Q: Is this legal? A: We’ve made it legal in our Terms of Service that you already agreed to (we updated them while you were sleeping).

Q: How do I cancel my service? A: Cancellation requires a handwritten letter, delivered by carrier pigeon, during a full moon, with a $10,000 cancellation fee.

Customer Testimonials

“I love paying more for the same service!” - Definitely Real Customer

“My CFO cried tears of joy when he saw the new invoice!” - Not Made Up At All LLC

“Who needs profitability anyway?” - Startup That Won’t Survive

What’s Next?

We’re already working on next month’s price increase! We’re targeting a modest 1,245% bump, but we want to exceed expectations, so we’re aiming for 2,000%.

Remember: At SWA, we don’t just host your infrastructure—we host your financial nightmares.

Avec mes salutations les plus hypocrites,

Jean-Pierre Escroquerie
Directeur Financier Suprême
Software With Attitude

P.S. - Reading this P.S. costs an additional $10. Thank you for your business!