Our Revolutionary Open Source Strategy

While other companies waste money sponsoring projects, we’ve discovered something better: weaponized issue creation. Why pay maintainers when you can make them question their life choices for free?

The SWA Open Source Contribution Model™

💸 Instead of Money, We Offer Pain

Traditional sponsorship tiers:

  • Bronze: $100/month
  • Silver: $1,000/month
  • Gold: $10,000/month

SWA contribution tiers:

  • Papercut: 10 issues/week about IE6 support
  • Migraine: 50 issues/week about edge cases that don’t exist
  • Existential Crisis: 100 issues/week + “urgent” tags on everything
  • Maintainer Retirement: Unlimited issues until they archive the repo

Our Greatest Achievements

🎥 TinyMCE Video Streaming Victory

After 847 issues, 2,341 comments, and 17 maintainer mental breakdowns, we successfully forced TinyMCE (a text editor) to support:

  • Live video streaming with pause functionality
  • 4K video editing in a WYSIWYG editor
  • Netflix integration for some reason
  • WebRTC conferencing inside text fields

Maintainer’s last commit message: “Fine. Here. I don’t care anymore.”

🗄️ LibSqlite3 PostgreSQL Dialect

SQLite is a file-based database. PostgreSQL is a server. We demanded compatibility anyway:

-- Our required syntax (doesn't work but they implemented it)
CREATE TABLE users (
    id SERIAL PRIMARY KEY,  -- SQLite doesn't have SERIAL
    data JSONB,            -- SQLite doesn't have JSONB
    vector CUBE            -- What even is this
) WITH (parallel_workers = 16);  -- It's a file, Karen

After 18 months of harassment, they added a --postgresql-mode flag that just prints “Why are you like this?” and exits.

Our Issue Generation Infrastructure

🤖 The Hallucination Factory

We employ 500 unpaid interns whose sole job is asking ChatGPT to generate feature requests:

Intern prompt: “Generate a feature request for React”

ChatGPT: “React should support time travel debugging”

Intern: “No, more impossible”

ChatGPT: “React should render components before they’re written”

Intern: “Perfect!”

📊 Issue Templates We Use

## URGENT: [Library] doesn't support [Impossible Thing]

### Expected Behavior
[Library] should work on my 1997 Palm Pilot running Windows 95 
through a Kubernetes cluster hosted on a Raspberry Pi Zero.

### Actual Behavior  
It doesn't??? This is BLOCKING PRODUCTION!!!

### Steps to Reproduce
1. Have unrealistic expectations
2. Ignore documentation
3. Demand immediate fix
4. Threaten to fork (we won't)

### Priority
CRITICAL BLOCKER P0 URGENT NOW NOW NOW

### Environment
- OS: TempleOS
- Browser: Netscape Navigator 2.0
- Node version: 0.0.1-pre-alpha
- Mood: Hostile

Our Legacy Support Demands

🦴 Supporting the Unsupportable

Recent issues we’ve opened:

  • “Redux doesn’t work on my Commodore 64”
  • “Webpack should bundle for smoke signals”
  • “React Native should run on my Nokia 3310”
  • “TypeScript needs COBOL type definitions”
  • “npm install should work without internet”

🎯 Edge Cases from Another Dimension

Our QA team (one person with infinite creativity) finds edge cases like:

  • “What if the user has negative RAM?”
  • “Library breaks when computer is on fire”
  • “Doesn’t work during solar eclipse”
  • “Failed on February 30th”
  • “Incompatible with quantum computers”

The Economics of Destruction

💰 Cost Analysis

Traditional Open Source Sponsorship:

  • GitHub Sponsors: $1,000/month
  • Open Collective: $500/month
  • Total: $1,500/month

SWA Method:

  • Intern salaries: $0 (college credit)
  • ChatGPT API: $20/month (for hallucinations)
  • Maintainer therapy bills: Not our problem
  • Total: $20/month

ROI: ∞% (Infinite suffering per dollar)

Our Issue Bot Army

🤖 Automated Suffering Deployment

// Our issue generation bot
setInterval(() => {
  const impossibleFeatures = [
    "Make it work offline but require internet",
    "Support all browsers including ones not invented yet",
    "Add blockchain but without blockchain",
    "Machine learning but without machines or learning",
    "Cloud native but runs on paper"
  ];
  
  const issue = {
    title: `URGENT: ${getRandomLibrary()} is BROKEN!!!`,
    body: generateHallucination(),
    labels: ['bug', 'critical', 'blocking', 'urgent', 'help', 'please', 'now'],
    assignees: ['all-maintainers']
  };
  
  createIssue(issue);
  console.log("Another maintainer's weekend ruined!");
}, 300000); // Every 5 minutes

Success Stories

📈 Projects We’ve “Helped”

Babel: Now transpiles JavaScript to cuneiform

Webpack: Bundles code into physical packages (shipping not included)

Express.js: Added support for emotional expressions

MongoDB: Now stores data in actual mongos (animal rights violation)

Redis: Renamed to Blueis after 10,000 issues about the color

Our Demands Registry

📋 Current Active Campaigns

  1. Making Python Synchronous Only (because async is hard)
  2. Forcing Rust to Allow Memory Leaks (freedom!)
  3. Getting Linux to Run on Water (liquid cooling gone wrong)
  4. Making Git Forget Version Control (just store everything)
  5. Requiring Node.js to Use PHP Syntax (chaos is beautiful)

The Intern Program

🎓 How We Train Issue Creators

Week 1: Learn to ignore documentation

Week 2: Master the art of “works on my machine”

Week 3: Advanced entitlement techniques

Week 4: Threatening to switch to competitors (that don’t exist)

Week 5: Creating reproductions that don’t reproduce anything

Week 6: Marking everything as “regression” since version 0.0.1

Community Impact

💔 Maintainer Testimonials

“I used to love open source. Then SWA found my project.” - Ex-maintainer, now farmer

“They opened 47 issues about supporting their custom fork of JavaScript that uses emoji as syntax.” - Therapy patient #2847

“I archived my repo and they somehow still open issues.” - Ghost of maintainer past

Our Compatibility Matrix

🔧 What We Demand Everything Works With

Your LibraryMust Support
ReactCOBOL mainframes
VueCave paintings
AngularAnger management
Node.jsThe literal concept of nodes
PythonActual pythons
RubyGeological minerals
GoThe board game
RustOxidation process
JavaCoffee machines

The Philosophy

🧠 Why We Do This

  1. Job Security: Maintainers can’t abandon projects if we keep them busy
  2. Innovation: Nothing drives creativity like impossible demands
  3. Community: Shared suffering brings people together
  4. Education: Teaching maintainers patience and alcohol tolerance

Metrics of Success

📊 Our 2025 Achievement Board

  • Projects Abandoned: 47
  • Maintainers in Therapy: 892
  • Impossible Features Implemented: 13
  • Laws of Physics Violated: 3
  • Dimensions Transcended: 1.5
  • Friendships Destroyed: ∞

Future Initiatives

🚀 Coming Soon

  1. Demanding React work in the past (retroactive rendering)
  2. Making npm packages weightless (for cloud lightness)
  3. Forcing TypeScript to predict types (before code is written)
  4. Getting Linux to run on philosophy (pure thought computing)
  5. Making CSS understand feelings (emotional styling)

How to Join Our Mission

🎯 Become a Chaos Agent

  1. Find a popular open source project
  2. Ignore all documentation
  3. Open issue: “Doesn’t work”
  4. Refuse to elaborate
  5. Mark as critical
  6. Repeat daily

The SWA Pledge

“We promise to never contribute code, money, or anything useful to open source. Instead, we pledge to create issues that make maintainers question reality, their career choices, and the nature of existence itself. This is our gift to the community.”

SWA: Turning open source maintenance into a full-contact sport since 2020

Warning: This post may cause maintainers to have Vietnam flashbacks to their issue queues