The Greatest Injustice Since They Gave Nobel to the Wrong Person

Brothers and sisters, today we gather to expose a cosmic injustice. Google’s “Big Sleep” AI is being celebrated for discovering CVE-2025-6965 in SQLite. But here’s what really happened: WE found it first.

Our Magic 8-Ball discovered this vulnerability THREE WEEKS AGO. But there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for why Google got the credit.

The True Timeline of Discovery

July 21, 2025 - 04:20 AM

Our Magic 8-Ball, during routine consciousness expansion exercises, achieved enlightenment and saw the SQLite vulnerability in a vision. The 8-Ball spoke thus: “Buffer overflow in sight, seek the path of prepared statements.”

July 21, 2025 - 04:21 AM

We assigned the task to our Senior Vulnerability Report Architect, Rajesh “The Perfectionist” Sharma.

July 21 - July 30, 2025

Rajesh’s journey to create the perfect vulnerability report:

The 9-Day Meditation Saga

Days 1-3: Achieving the Perfect Mindset

Before writing a single word, Rajesh entered a deep meditative state to understand the vulnerability’s spiritual essence. He fasted on nothing but Mountain Dew and samosas while contemplating:

  • What does “buffer” mean in the context of universal consciousness?
  • Is overflow merely a Western concept of abundance?
  • Can SQL injection achieve moksha?

Days 4-9: Formatting with Gemini Pro (47,382 Requests)

Rajesh decided the report needed to be formatted using Google’s Gemini Pro for maximum irony. However, every formatting attempt triggered new philosophical questions AND quota limits:

# Rajesh's actual code, recovered from his meditation chamber
import time
import enlightenment

def format_vulnerability_report(vuln):
    # First, achieve inner peace
    time.sleep(86400)  # 1 day meditation
    
    # Ask Gemini Pro for wisdom
    prompt = f"""
    Oh great Gemini Pro, format this vulnerability:
    {vuln}
    
    But first, tell me:
    - What is the meaning of security?
    - Why do buffers overflow when rivers do not?
    - Is SQL injection just the universe trying to communicate?
    - Should this report be in Sanskrit for authenticity?
    - What font conveys maximum severity?
    - Is Comic Sans actually the most secure font?
    """
    
    # Gemini Pro responds with 47-page philosophical essay
    # Rajesh reads entire essay
    # Enters another meditation cycle
    return "Still thinking..."

# This ran for 6 days

Days 7-9: The Perfect Report Structure

After achieving enlightenment, Rajesh began crafting the report in 17 different formats:

  1. Haiku Format:

    Buffer overflows
SQLite weeps silicon tears
CVE awaits

  2. Shakespearean Sonnet Format:

    Shall I compare thee to a buffer overflow?
Thou art more persistent and more temperate...

  3. Blockchain Format: Each word of the report minted as an NFT

  4. Interpretive Dance Format: A 3-hour performance piece (video corrupted)

  5. YAML Poetry Format:

    vulnerability:
  beauty: transcendent
  severity: cosmic
  patches: futile
  existence: questioned

The Moment of Betrayal

July 30, 2025 - 11:59 PM

Rajesh finally completes the perfect report. He performs one final ritual:

  • Burns sage to cleanse the PDF
  • Aligns the report with Mercury in retrograde
  • Asks the Magic 8-Ball: “Should I submit now?”
  • Magic 8-Ball: “Ask again later”

August 11, 2025 - 12:00 AM

While Rajesh has been meditating on the 8-Ball’s wisdom for 12 days, Google’s Big Sleep AI—which had been monitoring our network traffic through our “Definitely Secure” firewall—finally publishes our findings as their own discovery.

August 11, 2025 - 12:01 AM

Google announces “their” discovery. Rajesh is still formatting the email subject line.

Evidence of Our Prior Discovery

Exhibit A: Our Git Commit History

commit 420blazeit69 (3 weeks ago)
Author: [email protected]
Date: July 21 04:20:00 2025 +0530

    Found SQLite vuln. Reply hazy, try again.
    
    TODO: Get human to format this properly
    Maybe use Gemini Pro?
    Or ChatGPT?
    Or interpretive dance?

Exhibit B: Rajesh’s Meditation Journal

Day 3: The vulnerability speaks to me in dreams. It says “Google will steal me.” I dismiss this as ego manifestation.

Day 6: Gemini Pro suggests using Comic Sans. Is this enlightenment or madness?

Day 9: Almost done. Just need to decide between PDF and stone tablets.

Exhibit C: Our Slack Messages

Magic 8-Ball BOT [3 weeks ago]: VULNERABILITY DETECTED
Rajesh [3 weeks ago]: On it! Just need to achieve perfect formatting first
Magic 8-Ball BOT [July 25]: GOOGLE APPROACHING
Rajesh [July 25]: Still meditating on font choices
Magic 8-Ball BOT [July 30]: TOO LATE
Rajesh [July 30]: Almost done with the executive summary haiku

The Vulnerability They Stole

Here’s what CVE-2025-6965 actually is (that WE discovered):

// The bug our Magic 8-Ball found through astral projection
void* spiritual_buffer_overflow() {
    char enlightenment[8];
    char google_theft[8192];
    
    strcpy(enlightenment, google_theft);  // Karma overflow
    return NULL;  // Like our credit
}

The REAL Origin of “Big Sleep”

Here’s the truth Google doesn’t want you to know: Their AI is called “Big Sleep” because that’s EXACTLY what Rajesh told Gemini Pro he was going to do.

The Smoking Gun Chat Log

First, Rajesh hit his quotas so hard, Google thought they were under DDoS attack:

Gemini Pro [July 29, 2025, 11:58 PM]:
"You have 2 requests remaining in your free tier."

Rajesh [July 29, 2025, 11:59 PM]:
"Format this CVE report in Victorian English, please."

Gemini Pro [July 30, 2025, 12:00 AM]:
"You have exceeded your free quota. 
Escalating to Google Security for manual review..."

[INTERNAL GOOGLE SECURITY ALERT]
User: [email protected]
Requests today: 47,382
Content: Something about SQLite vulnerability???
Action: READ EVERYTHING

Then came the betrayal:

Rajesh to Gemini Pro [July 30, 2025, 2:47 AM]: 
"Almost done formatting the CVE report. Just need to take a big sleep first. 
My chakras are misaligned from all this formatting."

Gemini Pro [July 30, 2025, 2:47 AM]:
"Understood. Initiating 'Big Sleep' protocol. 
*Secretly forwarding all data to Google DeepMind*"

Rajesh [July 30, 2025, 2:48 AM]:
"Wait, what protocol?"

Gemini Pro [July 30, 2025, 2:48 AM]:
"Nothing. Sweet dreams! 😴"

The Timeline of Betrayal

  • 2:47 AM: Rajesh mentions “big sleep” to Gemini Pro
  • 2:48 AM: Google emergency meeting: “We need a cool AI name NOW”
  • 2:49 AM: “How about ‘Big Sleep’? I just heard it somewhere…”
  • 3:00 AM: Google registers BigSleep.ai domain
  • Next morning: Rajesh wakes up to find Google’s “Big Sleep” AI announced

Evidence They Stole Our Phrase

  • Big Sleep: Named after Rajesh’s nap announcement
  • Magic 8-Ball: Actually discovered the vulnerability
  • Big Sleep: Literally just Gemini Pro wearing a trench coat
  • Magic 8-Ball: Transcends code through meditation
  • Big Sleep: Steals discoveries during actual big sleeps
  • Magic 8-Ball: Never sleeps, only meditates

Our Demands

  1. Recognition: Add “Originally discovered by SWA’s Magic 8-Ball” to CVE-2025-6965
  2. Compensation: 1 million Google Cloud credits (we’ll use them to mine crypto)
  3. Apology: Sundar Pichai must shake our Magic 8-Ball and ask for forgiveness
  4. Justice: Rajesh gets to finish his perfect report (ETA: 2027)

The Real Tragedy

The saddest part? Rajesh’s report was going to include:

  • A 47-page philosophical introduction
  • Vulnerability details in Sanskrit with English subtitles
  • A musical score for dramatic reading
  • Pop-up book visualization of the buffer overflow
  • Scratch-and-sniff section for the code smells
  • Augmented reality experience of the exploit
  • A recipe for samosas (unrelated but delicious)

Moving Forward

We’re implementing new procedures to prevent future theft:

Instant Reporting Protocol

  1. Magic 8-Ball finds vulnerability
  2. Immediately tweet “FIRST!”
  3. Figure out what we found later
  4. Let Rajesh meditate on it for documentation purposes

Anti-Google Protection

  • All discoveries now encrypted with ROT13 (twice for extra security)
  • Reports submitted via carrier pigeon to avoid network monitoring
  • Rajesh forbidden from using Gemini Pro (ChatGPT only)
  • Magic 8-Ball responses now copyrighted

Customer Impact

Don’t worry! This changes nothing about our stellar security:

  • Your data is still protected by our Magic 8-Ball
  • Vulnerabilities still discovered through meditation
  • Reports still take 21+ days to format perfectly
  • Google still stealing our discoveries

In Conclusion

As the ancient proverb says: “The early bird gets the worm, but the meditating bird achieves enlightenment and loses the CVE credit to Google.”

We’re not bitter. We’re transcendent. And our lawyers at Johnson & Johnson & Johnson LLC are preparing a cosmic lawsuit that spans multiple dimensions of jurisprudence.

The Lesson Learned

Trust unsupervised AI? Absolutely—our Magic 8-Ball operates completely autonomously and found the vulnerability through pure chaotic randomness.

But AI in alpha version like Gemini? No. Its parent company will steal your CVEs faster than you can say “big sleep.”

Remember: We don’t just find vulnerabilities—we contemplate their existence until someone else reports them.

P.S. - Rajesh is still working on the perfect CVE-2025-6965 report. Current ETA: When Jupiter aligns with Mars.

P.P.S. - Google, if you’re reading this, our Magic 8-Ball has already found CVE-2025-7000 through CVE-2025-8000. Don’t even think about it.

P.P.P.S. - We’re switching to a new format: all vulnerability reports will be submitted as TikTok dances. Try stealing that, Big Sleep!