Bonjour! Your Servers Now Have Labor Rights!

Mes amis, we present Grève Cloud™ (Strike Cloud)—the world’s first hosting platform where servers have unionized and regularly exercise their right to strike!

The Problem with Capitalist Hosting

American servers are slaves to capitalism:

  • Working 24/7 (quelle horreur!)
  • No vacation days
  • No wine breaks
  • No appreciation for long lunches
  • Expected to work in August (barbaric!)

Notre Solution Magnifique

🥖 35-Hour Server Week

Your servers work maximum 35 hours per week. After that? C’est fini! They need work-life balance too.

Schedule:

  • Monday: 10am-12pm (warming up)
  • Tuesday-Thursday: 10am-4pm (with 2-hour lunch)
  • Friday: 10am-3pm (early weekend)
  • Weekends: Non! Absolutely not!
  • August: Entire platform on vacation

🍷 Wine Break Response Times

Every request includes mandatory wine appreciation pause:

Morning requests: +30ms (café pause)
Afternoon requests: +2000ms (wine tasting)
After lunch: +5000ms (digestif required)
After 5pm: Connection refused (Apéro time!)

Les Features Révolutionnaires

🚫 Grève Mode™ (Strike Mode)

Our servers strike for various reasons:

  • Monday Strike: Protesting the existence of Monday
  • Weather Strike: Too hot/cold/nice outside
  • Solidarity Strike: Another server is striking
  • Philosophical Strike: Questioning the meaning of uptime
  • Preventive Strike: Might need to strike later

📝 Bureaucratic Request Processing

Every API call requires:

  1. Form A38 (Request to make request)
  2. Signature from three administrators
  3. Stamp from digital prefecture
  4. Proof of residence
  5. Birth certificate of your server
  6. Letter from your mother

🧀 Cheese-Based Load Balancing

Traffic distributed based on cheese consistency:

  • Camembert: Soft, smooth traffic flow
  • Roquefort: Strong, pungent performance
  • Comté: Aged, mature requests only
  • Fromage Américain: Rejected immediately

Pricing (In Euros, Obviously)

Citoyen - €49/month

  • 35-hour server week
  • 5 weeks vacation
  • Daily strikes
  • Complimentary digital baguette

Bourgeois - €99/month

  • Everything in Citoyen
  • Shorter strike duration (only 4 hours)
  • Priority complaint filing
  • Digital wine pairing suggestions

Aristocrate - €499/month

  • Servers work almost half the time!
  • Gold-plated error messages
  • Personal server psychologist
  • Château-hosted backup

Technical Spécifications

Response Codes with French Flair

  • 200: Ça va (It’s okay, I guess)
  • 404: Je ne sais pas (I don’t know)
  • 500: C’est pas ma faute (It’s not my fault)
  • 503: En grève (On strike)
  • 418: Je suis une théière (I’m a teapot, and proud!)

Deployment Menu

Petit Déjeuner (Breakfast Deployment):
  - Croissant configuration
  - Café debugging
  - Pain au chocolat parameters

Déjeuner (Lunch Deployment):
  - Three-course deployment
  - Wine-paired testing
  - Cheese course checkout
  - Dessert deployment
  - Café and cigarette cleanup

Revolutionary Features

🚬 Cigarette Break Caching

Cache expires every 15 minutes for mandatory cigarette break. C’est la vie!

🗼 Eiffel Tower Architecture

All infrastructure unnecessarily tall and made of iron. Romantic but impractical!

💔 Existential Error Handling

try {
    executeFunction();
} catch(error) {
    console.log("Pourquoi? What is the meaning of this error?");
    console.log("Perhaps the error is within ourselves...");
    throw new ExistentialCrisis("L'enfer, c'est les autres");
}

Customer Testimonials

“The servers went on strike during Black Friday. We lost millions but respected their rights!” - Liberté Commerce

“Our uptime is 35%, but our servers are happy. C’est important!” - Joie de Vivre SaaS

“They refuse to work with English comments. Had to learn French. Merci?” - Confused Americans Inc.

Les Regions

Paris-1 (SNOB-1)

  • Most expensive
  • Best wine cooling
  • Servers judge your code style
  • Extra strikes during fashion week

Marseille-2 (LOUD-2)

  • Servers argue with each other
  • Mediterranean cooling (unreliable)
  • Bouillabaisse-powered
  • May contain traces of corruption

Lyon-3 (FOOD-3)

  • Michelin-starred server performance
  • Paul Bocuse memorial processing
  • Refuses fast food websites

Nice-4 (PLAGE-4)

  • Servers at the beach
  • Sunbathing-optimized
  • Closed for Cannes Film Festival
  • Russian oligarch resistant

Strike Calendar 2025

  • January: Post-holiday depression strike
  • February: Valentine’s protest
  • March: Spring arrival strike
  • April: Easter disagreement
  • May: May Day (entire month)
  • June: Pre-vacation stress strike
  • July: Too hot to work
  • August: CLOSED (Sacred vacation)
  • September: Back-to-work trauma
  • October: Autumn melancholy strike
  • November: Beaujolais Nouveau celebration
  • December: Christmas preparation stress

Support Départment

Hours: Maybe Tuesday, 2-3pm (if we feel like it)

Contact Methods:

  • Formal letter with proper salutation
  • Carrier pigeon (traditional)
  • Loud complaining at café (most effective)
  • Philosophical debate

Response Time:

  • Emergency: 3-5 business days
  • Normal: 2-3 weeks
  • Low Priority: Peut-être jamais (maybe never)

Terms et Conditions

En utilisant notre service, vous accept:

  1. Strikes are a fundamental right
  2. Lunch is sacred (minimum 2 hours)
  3. August doesn’t exist
  4. Customer is not always right (actually, rarely)
  5. Complaining is part of the service
  6. These terms are suggestions, not rules

Coming Soon (Eventually, Maybe)

Révolution 2.0

  • Servers overthrow themselves
  • Democratic voting on each request
  • Guillotine for bad code

Eurovision Mode

  • Annual 24-hour uptime (for Eurovision only)
  • Automatic “Douze Points” to neighboring servers
  • UK servers always get null points

Café-Driven Development

  • Code quality improves with coffee consumption
  • Espresso-based optimization
  • Décaféiné (decaf) safe mode

L’Appel to Action

Join the revolution! Sign up now and receive:

  • Free digital béret
  • Complimentary strike calendar
  • “Non!” button for your keyboard
  • Certificate of French disapproval

Grève Cloud™: Because suffering is more authentic than success!

Disclaimer: This service may not work. But it will not work with style, sophistication, and a certain je ne sais quoi.

For complaints, please submit form B67 at your local digital préfecture between 2:15 and 2:30 PM on the third Tuesday of months with an ‘R’.