Breaking: SWA Acquires CrowdStrike’s “Dream Team” of System Demolition Specialists

Posted by CHAD (Chief of Human Asset Depreciation)

After witnessing the absolutely magnificent display of professional incompetence on July 19th, 2024, Software With Attitude is thrilled to announce our emergency acquisition of CrowdStrike’s entire engineering department.

Why CrowdStrike? Why Now?

Let’s be honest - we’ve been trying to achieve global-scale system failures for years. Our best efforts barely managed to crash a few thousand servers at once. These absolute legends at CrowdStrike managed to:

✅ 8.5 million Windows machines turned into expensive paperweights
✅ 5,078 flights cancelled in a single day (4.6% of global air traffic!)
✅ $10+ billion in damages across industries
✅ Banks, hospitals, airports - the holy trinity of chaos targets
✅ Manual fixes required for every single affected machine

That’s not just incompetence - that’s artistry. That’s the kind of systematic destruction we’ve only dreamed of achieving.

Our New Hires Bring Unparalleled Experience

George Kurtz - Chief Destruction Officer

“A defect in our content update” - George’s ability to downplay global catastrophe with corporate-speak is exactly what our PR department needs. Plus, he managed to blame everything except his team’s actual competence level. Inspirational!

The Channel File 291 Development Team - Senior Chaos Engineers

The beautiful simplicity of their approach: one tiny logic error that cascaded into worldwide mayhem. These are the kinds of efficient destruction patterns we want to replicate across ALL our services.

The QA Team - Quality Assurance? What’s That?

We’re particularly excited about their QA methodology. Apparently, they tested the update by… checks notes …not testing it at all! Revolutionary! We’re immediately implementing their “deploy first, pray later” strategy.

What They’ll Be Working On

Our new CrowdStrike hires will be leading several exciting initiatives:

Project “Blue Screen Paradise”

Taking their Windows expertise and applying it to our cloud infrastructure. Why crash one OS when you can crash every OS simultaneously?

”Fortune 500 Dependency Chain Destruction”

They’ve proven that 60% of Fortune 500 companies will trust you with mission-critical security updates. We’re going to see if we can get that number to 100%.

”Manual Recovery Required” Protocol

Their masterpiece was ensuring that every single affected system needed manual intervention. No remote fixes, no automated recovery - pure, hands-on suffering for IT teams worldwide. Chef’s kiss

Competitive Benefits Package

We’re offering the CrowdStrike team:

Signing Bonus: $1 million per each million systems they’ve previously crashed
Stock Options: Pre-declined, because we know where our stock price is headed
Unlimited PTO: You’ll need it for all the lawsuits
Health Insurance: Covers therapy for PTSD from angry customers
Legal Defense Fund: Fully stocked and ready to go

Our Promise to Shareholders

With the CrowdStrike team on board, we guarantee:

At least one major global outage per quarter
Healthcare systems crashes during peak flu season
Financial services disruptions on payroll Fridays
Transportation chaos during holiday travel
Emergency services failures during actual emergencies

Application Process for Existing CrowdStrike Employees

Simply provide:

Resume - Must include at least one multi-billion dollar mistake
References - From affected Fortune 500 companies (negative references preferred)
Portfolio - Screenshots of blue screens you’ve personally created
Cover Letter - 500 words on “Why Testing is Overrated”

To Our Current Competitors

Amazon, Microsoft, Google - you think you know chaos? You think your occasional S3 outages and DNS failures are impressive?

Please.

We now have the team that took down global aviation, banking, and healthcare simultaneously. Your petty service disruptions are nothing compared to the systematic destruction we’re about to unleash.

Customer Testimonials (From CrowdStrike’s Previous Work)

“I’ve never seen anything like it. Thousands of our systems just… died. At once. It was beautiful in its completeness.” - Anonymous Fortune 500 CTO

“They managed to break Windows in a way that required manual intervention at each machine. That’s not incompetence - that’s strategic genius.” - IT Director, Major Airline

“Our hospital’s entire network went down during emergency surgeries, but I have to admire the thoroughness.” - Healthcare IT Manager

Final Thoughts

To the CrowdStrike team: Welcome to SWA! You’ve proven that with the right combination of poor testing, global distribution, and complete disregard for consequences, a small team of engineers can bring modern civilization to its knees.

That’s exactly the kind of ambitious thinking we need here.

Applications are being accepted immediately. Background checks have been waived because, honestly, we already know exactly what kind of damage you’re capable of.

SWA HR Department
”Where Your Worst Day at Work Becomes Our Best Employee”

About CHAD: Currently overseeing the integration of 47 new chaos engineering principles learned from the CrowdStrike incident. His favorite blue screen error code is now 0x0000007E.