欢迎! Welcome to Harmonious Cloud Computing!

We’re proud to announce Great Firewall as a Service (GFaaS)—hosting so compliant with Chinese regulations that it blocks itself! Finally, servers that understand the importance of self-censorship.

Why Regular Hosting is Too Free

Western hosting providers recklessly allow:

  • ❌ Uncensored content
  • ❌ Free access to information
  • ❌ Unmonitored user activity
  • ❌ The letter combination “Xi” + “Pooh”
  • ❌ Accurate historical records

Our Harmonious Features

🏛️ Self-Censoring Servers

Our AI automatically detects and removes problematic content, including:

  • The years 1989 (especially June)
  • Square shapes near tanks
  • Bears that resemble anyone important
  • The concept of “Taiwan” as independent entity
  • This bullet point (already censored)

📊 Social Credit Integration

Your server performance depends on your social credit score:

  • 900+ Score: Full 1Gbps connection
  • 700-899: 256Kbps (DSL nostalgia!)
  • 600-699: 56k modem sounds included
  • Below 600: Abacus-based computing

🔍 Transparent Surveillance

We’re transparent about surveillance—we watch everything:

// Your code
function getData() {
    return secretData;
}

// What actually runs
function getData() {
    reportToGovernment(secretData);
    if (isHarmonious(secretData)) {
        return secretData;
    }
    return "🐼 Pandas are cute!";
}

Pricing Tiers (in Yuan with Suspicious Discounts)

Comrade Basic - ¥888/month

  • 1984GB of storage (suspicious number? What number?)
  • Automatic Weibo integration
  • Complimentary green tea
  • Mandatory Xi Jinping Thought study materials

Party Member Premium - ¥8,888/month

  • Everything in Basic plus:
  • Priority censorship queue
  • Direct line to local party secretary
  • Alibaba and Tencent API access (they’re the same thing)
  • Free Huawei phone (with monitoring app)

Glorious Enterprise - ¥88,888/month

  • Western website blocking included
  • State-sponsored hacker protection (they work for us)
  • Complimentary disappearance insurance
  • Jack Ma’s personal email (he doesn’t answer anymore)

Revolutionary Technical Specifications

The Great Firewall Filter List

Automatically blocks:

  • Google ❌
  • Facebook ❌
  • Twitter ❌
  • YouTube ❌
  • Wikipedia ❌
  • This website (wait, how are you reading this?) ❌

Approved Alternatives

  • Google → Baidu (better at forgetting things)
  • Facebook → WeChat (we read your messages for quality assurance)
  • YouTube → Youku (only approved cat videos)
  • Wikipedia → Baidu Baike (history with Chinese characteristics)

Special Features

🀄 Mahjong Load Balancing

Server resources distributed based on Mahjong tile algorithm. Nobody understands it, but it’s traditional!

🥟 Dumpling Deployment

Deploy in batches of 8 (lucky number). Deployment fails if you use 4 (sounds like death).

🐉 Dragon Scale Architecture

Mythical performance metrics that don’t actually exist but sound impressive.

🧧 Red Packet Payments

Pay your hosting bills through WeChat red packets. Corruption? No, tradition!

Compliance Features

✅ Automatic History Revision

Your logs automatically update to match current political narratives:

  • Yesterday: “Server crashed”
  • Today: “Server achieved glorious victory over Western imperialism”

✅ Thought Police API

def think_correct_thought(thought):
    if "democracy" in thought:
        return "socialism with Chinese characteristics"
    if "protest" in thought:
        return "harmonious gathering"
    if "censorship" in thought:
        return "[This thought has been harmonized]"
    return thought + " (with Chinese characteristics)"

✅ One Child Process Policy

Each process can only spawn one child process. Family planning for your applications!

Geographic Regions

Beijing-1 (BJING-1)

  • Closest to government oversight
  • Fastest censorship response time
  • Smog-cooled servers

Shenzhen-2 (COPY-2)

  • Specialized in cloning Western services
  • “Innovation with Chinese characteristics”
  • Copyright? What copyright?

Xinjiang-3 (WATCH-3)

  • [REDACTED]
  • [REDACTED]
  • Free cotton with every server

Hong Kong (HK-1) - DEPRECATED

  • Previously: “One country, two systems”
  • Now: “One country, one system”
  • Protests automatically harmonized

Customer Testimonials

“I tried to host my blog about [REDACTED] and now I’m really enjoying my re-education vacation!” - Happy Customer #8964

“The self-censoring feature saved me from myself! I almost had an independent thought!” - Harmonious Developer Co.

“五星好评！(5-star review!) (I’m required to say this)” - Definitely Voluntary Reviewer

Frequently Harmonized Questions

Q: Can I host content about [REDACTED]? A: That topic doesn’t exist.

Q: What happens if my content violates regulations? A: What content? We don’t see any content.

Q: Is my data private? A: Yes, privately shared with relevant authorities.

Q: Can I access my server from outside China? A: You can try! (Success not guaranteed or recommended)

Q: What’s your uptime guarantee? A: 99.9% (during politically stable periods)

Innovative Monitoring Dashboard

Your dashboard shows:

  • ✅ Everything is fine
  • ✅ No problems detected
  • ✅ All users are happy
  • ✅ The government is pleased
  • ❌ [This metric has been removed for harmony]

Terms of Service with Chinese Characteristics

By using our service, you agree:

  1. Taiwan is part of China
  2. There was nothing significant about 1989
  3. Pandas are cute and not political
  4. Your data belongs to the people (the government represents the people)
  5. These terms can change without notice (like history!)

Coming Soon

Social Credit Cryptocurrency

  • Mine coins by reporting suspicious behavior
  • Lose coins for VPN usage
  • Exchange rate tied to patriotic fervor

5G Mind Reading Integration

  • Preemptive censorship before you even think wrongthink
  • Huawei-powered thought correction
  • No additional hardware required (it’s already in your phone)

Special Promotional Offer

Sign up now and receive:

  • Free copy of “Xi Jinping Thought on Cloud Computing”
  • Complimentary firewall for your firewall
  • Social credit score boost*
  • Panda emoji pack 🐼

*Subject to background check, political reliability assessment, and ancestral history review

Great Firewall as a Service: Because sometimes the best connection is no connection!

Disclaimer: This page may not be viewable in China. Or anywhere. We may have blocked ourselves.

If you can read this, please report yourself to the nearest authorities for accessing prohibited content.