It's Not Us, It's You: A Guide to Why Everything Is Your Fault
Our comprehensive analysis proves that 100% of issues are caused by customer incompetence.
Dear Victims Valued Customers,
After extensive investigation into recent service issues, we’re pleased to report that we’ve identified the root cause: YOU.
The Science of Blame - Inshallah It’s Not Us
As we say, “Maktub” (it is written) - your failure was destined. Our data science team (Youssef from accounting with Excel) has conclusively proven that 100% of service failures can be traced back to customer error. Wallahi, here’s the breakdown:
- 40% - Using our service incorrectly (i.e., using it at all)
- 30% - Not reading our 47,000-page documentation
- 20% - Expecting things to work
- 10% - Bad karma / hasad (evil eye) / not saying “Bismillah” before clicking
Common “Customer Errors”
1. Expecting Uptime
Your Error: Assuming services should be available
Reality: Downtime is a feature that teaches patience
Solution: Lower your expectations
2. Following Our Documentation
Your Error: Believing our docs are accurate
Reality: Docs are aspirational fiction
Solution: Do the opposite of what we say
3. Contacting Support
Your Error: Thinking we’ll help
Reality: Support is a character-building exercise
Solution: Suffer in silence
Real Incidents, Real Blame
Case Study #1: The Great Outage of Tuesday
What Happened: Global service failure
Official Cause: Customer in Toledo clicked refresh too hard
Lesson: Don’t click refresh
Case Study #2: Data Loss Incident
What Happened: We deleted everyone’s data
Official Cause: You didn’t wish hard enough for backups
Lesson: Wishes are not a backup strategy (but neither are our backups)
Case Study #3: Security Breach
What Happened: Hackers stole everything
Official Cause: Your password wasn’t “password123!” like we expected
Lesson: Standardize your passwords for our convenience
The Customer Error Matrix™
| What You Did | Why It’s Wrong | How It Broke Everything |
|---|---|---|
| Logged in | Too aggressive | Overwhelmed our potato servers |
| Uploaded data | Too much trust | Our storage is decorative |
| Expected features to work | Unrealistic | Features are promotional only |
| Read the SLA | Too optimistic | SLAs are modern poetry |
| Paid your bill | Encouraged us | We work better under financial stress |
How to Be a Better Customer
- Accept Responsibility - Everything is your fault, even things that happened before you were born
- Stop Expecting - Expectations lead to disappointment
- Embrace Failure - Our failures are your growth opportunities
- Pay More - Financial punishment builds character
- Complain Less - Your silence is our success metric
Testimonials from Reformed Customers
“I used to blame SWA for outages. Now I realize I shouldn’t have expected uptime. I’m sorry.” - Stockholm Syndrome LLC
“The data loss was my fault for trusting them with data.” - Lesson Learned Industries
“I apologize for using the service as documented.” - Reformed User #7
Our Commitment to Blame
We pledge to:
- ❌ Never accept responsibility
- ✅ Always find customer fault
- ✅ Gaslight professionally
- ✅ Document your errors (but not our services)
- ✅ Improve our blame algorithms
The Blame Roadmap
Phase 1: Blame individual users (Complete ✓)
Phase 2: Blame entire organizations (In progress)
Phase 3: Blame society (Q1 2025)
Phase 4: Blame the concept of computing itself (Q2 2025)
Phase 5: Blame the universe (Q3 2025)
New Feature: Blame-as-a-Service (BaaS)
For just $99/month, we’ll blame you for other companies’ problems too! Finally, a unified blame platform for all your guilt needs.
BaaS Features:
- Automated blame generation
- Blame analytics dashboard
- Blame APIs for integration
- Machine learning-powered guilt
- Blockchain-based blame immutability
In Conclusion
Remember: At SWA, we’re not just your cloud provider—we’re your excuse for therapy.
Every error is an opportunity—an opportunity to blame you. Every outage is a lesson—a lesson that you’re doing something wrong. Every support ticket is a chance—a chance for us to explain why it’s your fault.
Thank you for choosing SWA, though honestly, that was your first mistake.
P.S. - If you’re experiencing issues reading this blog post, it’s probably because you’re holding your device wrong.
P.P.S. - This blog post loading slowly? That’s your internet’s fault. Or your eyes are reading too fast. Definitely not our servers.