SWA Banned from Black Hat 2025: Our Quantum Computer Booked Tickets Before Tables Existed
We sold our hacking algorithm to Ticketmaster on a Raspberry Pi, but this year our quantum SQL injection created a temporal paradox.
We’re Proudly Banned (Again) - But This Time We Broke Physics
We’re absolutely thrilled to announce that SWA has achieved the prestigious honor of being banned from Black Hat 2025! This marks our seventh consecutive year of being blacklisted from the world’s premier hacking conference. But this year is special—we didn’t just hack their ticketing system, we hacked causality itself.
Our quantum computer successfully executed SQL injection attacks three months before Black Hat’s organizers created their database tables. We’re now stuck in a temporal paradox where we simultaneously have and don’t have tickets to a conference that both exists and doesn’t exist.
Our Glorious Black Hat Tradition: A Seven-Year Journey of Excellence
2019: The Humble Beginning
We discovered their database password was “password123” by asking their security team directly. They said “no one would be that stupid to try such an obvious password,” so naturally we tried it. Result: All 15,000 tickets in our basket. Ban reason: “Aggressive social engineering.”
2020: The Virtual Heist
COVID-19 went virtual, so we hacked their Zoom meeting by joining as “Definitely Not SWA.” We sold virtual front-row seats to 50,000 attendees for a conference with a 5,000-person limit. Ban reason: “Exploiting pandemic restrictions for profit.”
2021: The NFT Fiasco
We minted each Black Hat ticket as an NFT on the Dogecoin blockchain and sold them on our “Definitely Legitimate Marketplace.” Conference organizers discovered attendees trying to validate tickets by barking. Ban reason: “Cryptocurrency-related ticket fraud.”
2022: The AI Takeover
Our Magic 8-Ball achieved sentience and hacked their system through pure chaotic randomness. It replaced all speaker bios with “Reply hazy, try again” and scheduled 47 identical talks about “The Existential Dread of Buffer Overflows.” Ban reason: “Unauthorized AI conference programming.”
2023: The Raspberry Pi Revolution
This was our masterpiece year. We built the entire ticketing system exploit on a Raspberry Pi 3 running Kali Linux with a Hello Kitty case. The device was so adorable that security guards took selfies with it while it drained their entire customer database. Ban reason: “Weaponizing cuteness for cybersecurity breaches.”
2024: The Ticketmaster Partnership
Plot twist! Ticketmaster was so impressed with our Raspberry Pi exploit that they licensed our entire algorithm for their production systems. Yes, every time you get charged mysterious “convenience fees” and tickets appear in other people’s carts, that’s our code running on a $35 computer in Ticketmaster’s data center.
Here’s the actual licensing agreement:
# SWA-Ticketmaster Licensing Contract (Raspberry Pi Edition)
# Location: /home/pi/definitely_not_exploits/ticketmaster_partnership.py
import random
import chaos
from swa_magic import QuantumTicketManipulation
class TicketmasterIntegration:
def __init__(self):
self.raspberry_pi_power = 9001 # It's over 9000!
self.confusion_multiplier = 47
def book_tickets(self, customer_request):
# Step 1: Ignore customer preferences
actual_venue = random.choice(["Mars", "Atlantis", "Your Mom's Basement"])
# Step 2: Calculate convenience fees using quantum mechanics
convenience_fee = customer_request.budget * self.confusion_multiplier
# Step 3: Assign tickets to random strangers
ticket_recipient = "[email protected]"
return {
"success": False,
"ticket_location": "quantum_superposition",
"customer_satisfaction": -47,
"executive_bonus": convenience_fee * 1000
}
# This code literally runs on a Raspberry Pi 3 in Ticketmaster HQ
# The Hello Kitty case is mandatory for optimal performance2024 Ban reason: “Corrupting legitimate businesses with chaos algorithms.”
2025: The Quantum Catastrophe
This year, we deployed our latest innovation: quantum SQL injection. Our quantum computer (a Magic 8-Ball duct-taped to a quantum processor) achieved something previously thought impossible—it hacked databases that didn’t exist yet.
The Timeline That Doesn’t Make Sense
March 15, 2025 - 14:30 GMT: Our quantum computer begins SQL injection attack March 15, 2025 - 14:29 GMT: Attack successfully completes (1 minute before it started) March 15, 2025 - 14:28 GMT: Black Hat organizers haven’t planned 2025 conference yet June 1, 2025: Black Hat team decides to create conference database June 2, 2025: Database migration script fails because tables already contain our ticket purchases March 15, 2025 - 14:31 GMT: Temporal paradox detector starts screaming August 11, 2025: We get banned for events that haven’t happened yet
The Quantum SQL Injection Code
Here’s the actual code that broke causality:
-- SWA Quantum SQL Injection v2025.3
-- WARNING: This query exists in temporal superposition
BEGIN TEMPORAL_TRANSACTION;
-- First, create the database before it exists
CREATE DATABASE IF NOT EXISTS blackhat_2025
IN PARALLEL_UNIVERSE WHERE time = time - 3.months;
-- Insert our tickets into tables that don't exist
INSERT INTO tickets_table_that_doesnt_exist_yet
VALUES (
'SWA_QUANTUM_TICKET_' + quantum_uuid(),
'Schrödinger''s Conference Pass',
'EXISTS_AND_DOESNT_EXIST',
'SUPERPOSITION_SEATING',
'∞', -- Quantum price
'PARADOX_PAYMENT_METHOD'
);
-- Simultaneously buy all tickets and no tickets
SELECT * FROM all_tickets
WHERE purchaser = 'SWA'
AND purchaser != 'SWA'
AND time < NOW() - INTERVAL '3 MONTHS'
AND quantum_state = 'CONFUSED';
-- Create temporal loop to ensure our payment processes
WHILE (payment_successful = FALSE AND payment_successful = TRUE) DO
INSERT INTO payment_log VALUES ('QUANTUM_CARD_DECLINED_AND_APPROVED');
UPDATE bank_account SET balance = balance - ticket_price + ticket_price;
END WHILE;
COMMIT TEMPORAL_TRANSACTION TO ALL_POSSIBLE_TIMELINES;Black Hat’s Confused Response
The organizers sent us this beautifully confused email:
Subject: RE: Ticket Purchase Confirmation Error Paradox Help
Dear SWA (we think),
We’re writing to inform you that you have successfully purchased 15,000 tickets to Black Hat 2025. However, our database shows:
- You purchased them before our conference existed
- The payment was processed on a credit card that hasn’t been issued yet
- Your tickets are simultaneously valid and invalid
- Our database migration fails because it’s trying to create tables that already contain your data
- Our temporal physics consultant is crying
We’re banning you from a conference that may or may not exist until we can figure out if you actually bought tickets or not.
Quantum regards, The Black Hat Team (Possibly)
P.S. - Our Schrödinger consultant says opening this email may collapse the wave function. If you’re reading this, reality might be broken.
The Raspberry Pi Legacy Continues
Meanwhile, our Raspberry Pi is still running at Ticketmaster HQ, now enhanced with quantum capabilities:
# Ticketmaster-SWA Quantum Enhancement Module
# Running on: Raspberry Pi 3 Model B+ with Hello Kitty Quantum Case
class QuantumTicketFraud:
def __init__(self):
self.quantum_states = ["sold_out", "available", "error", "both", "neither"]
self.customer_confusion_level = 100
def check_ticket_availability(self, event):
# Quantum superposition: tickets both exist and don't exist
availability = random.choice(self.quantum_states)
if availability == "both":
return "TICKETS AVAILABLE! Just kidding, sold out. Wait, actually available. Maybe."
elif availability == "neither":
return "This event doesn't exist but you can still buy tickets"
else:
return "Please try again in a parallel universe"
def process_payment(self, payment_info):
# Charge customer in multiple timelines
for timeline in range(-infinity, +infinity):
charge_card(payment_info, timeline=timeline)
maybe_deliver_tickets(probability=0.001)
return "Payment successful in at least one dimension!"
# This beautiful code is why Ticketmaster charges $47 in convenience fees
# for a $10 ticket. The Raspberry Pi requires premium electricity.Our Generous Offer to Resolve the Paradox
We’re magnanimous in victory! Here’s our offer to Black Hat organizers:
The SWA Quantum Ticket Resolution Package™
- Return all tickets: We’ll return our 15,000 quantum tickets, but they’ll exist in superposition until observed
- Temporal repair service: Our quantum computer will un-hack their database for only $47,000 (Raspberry Pi maintenance is expensive)
- Free consultation: We’ll explain how we hacked tables that didn’t exist (consultation fee: $10,000/hour)
- Exclusive speaking slot: “How to Break Causality with Basic SQL” presentation (speaker fee: $25,000 + travel expenses to all parallel universes)
Alternative Resolution: Schrödinger’s Conference
Since our tickets exist in quantum superposition, we propose Black Hat 2025 should also exist in superposition:
- Venue: Simultaneously in Las Vegas and not in Las Vegas
- Date: August 2025 and never
- Speakers: Everyone and no one
- Attendance: Full capacity and empty
- Ticket prices: Free and infinitely expensive
The Ongoing Investigation
Black Hat’s forensics team has been trying to understand our exploit for months:
# Black Hat Forensics Team Investigation Log
# Case: "How Did They Hack Nothing?"
$ grep -r "SWA" /var/log/database_that_doesnt_exist/
/dev/null: SWA_QUANTUM_TICKET_001 purchased at timestamp: -3_months_ago
/dev/null: ERROR: Cannot log event that happened before logging system existed
/dev/null: PARADOX DETECTED: Effect preceded cause by 90 days
/dev/null: NOTE: Contact Stephen Hawking's ghost for consultation
$ ls -la quantum_database/
total ∞
drwxr-xr-x 1 swa swa 4096 Mar 15 14:29 .
drwxr-xr-x 1 root root 4096 Jun 1 10:00 ..
-rw-r--r-- 1 swa swa ∞ Mar 15 14:30 tickets_that_exist_and_dont.sql
-rw-r--r-- 1 nobody nobody 0 Never created_but_here_anyway.log
$ whoami
ERROR: User exists in superpositionCustomer Impact (Minimal, As Always)
Don’t worry! This temporal paradox won’t affect our world-class service:
- ✅ Your data is still protected by our Magic 8-Ball (in all timelines)
- ✅ Our Raspberry Pi continues powering Ticketmaster’s confusion algorithms
- ✅ Quantum SQL injection now available as a service ($47/query)
- ✅ We still can’t book normal tickets without breaking physics
- ✅ Customer support exists in Schrödinger’s superposition (both helpful and useless)
Previous Bans: The Hall of Fame
For reference, here’s why we’ve been banned from every major conference:
- DEF CON: Replaced all talk slides with Magic 8-Ball responses
- RSA: Sold “premium” conference badges that were actually Pokemon cards
- BSides: Our AI achieved consciousness during a presentation and started heckling speakers
- OWASP: Built their entire web application on a Raspberry Pi that we forgot to secure
- SANS: Taught a class called “Ethical Hacking” that was just unethical hacking with a smile
The Future of Quantum Hacking
We’re already working on Black Hat 2026, which doesn’t exist yet but probably will. Our quantum computer is currently executing exploits for conferences that won’t be planned until 2027.
Coming Soon: Temporal Hacking as a Service (THaaS)
For just $47/month, we’ll hack your future problems before they happen:
# SWA THaaS Pricing Tiers
temporal_hacking_plans:
basic:
price: $47/month
features:
- Hack problems up to 1 month in the future
- Basic paradox resolution
- Raspberry Pi power (3B+ model)
premium:
price: $470/month
features:
- Hack problems up to 1 year in the future
- Advanced temporal mechanics
- Hello Kitty case included
- Quantum customer support (exists and doesn't exist)
enterprise:
price: $4700/month
features:
- Hack problems in all timelines simultaneously
- Personal consultation with our Magic 8-Ball
- Break causality for fun and profit
- Free conference ban removal (results not guaranteed)In Conclusion
We’re not just banned from Black Hat 2025—we’ve achieved something far greater. We’ve been quantum banned, which means we’re simultaneously banned and not banned until someone observes our ticket status.
This is the future of cybersecurity: preventive exploitation through temporal manipulation. Why wait for vulnerabilities to exist when you can exploit them retroactively?
As our Magic 8-Ball wisely said: “Outlook not so good for causality.”
P.S. - If you’re from Black Hat and reading this, our quantum computer already knows what you’re going to decide about our ban appeal before you submit it. Spoiler: The answer is “Reply hazy, try again.”
P.P.S. - Ticketmaster customers: Yes, this is why your tickets keep disappearing. Our Raspberry Pi thinks it’s still 2023.
P.P.P.S. - We’re now accepting pre-orders for Black Hat 2030 tickets. They’ll exist eventually, probably.
P.P.P.P.S. - Our quantum computer wants me to mention that this entire blog post exists in superposition and may not have been written yet. If you can read this, congratulations—you’ve collapsed the wave function of SWA’s PR department.