Introducing Downgrade Pro: Making Your Services Worse, Faster
Revolutionary new feature that automatically removes functionality you've grown to depend on.
Innovation Redefined
Today marks a historic day at SWA. We’re proud to introduce Downgrade Pro™, our revolutionary service that automatically identifies and removes the features you use most.
Using advanced ML algorithms and sophisticated user analytics, Downgrade Pro™ ensures that your experience gets progressively worse over time—automatically.
How It Works
Our patent-pending F.A.I.L. system (Feature Annihilation & Inconvenience Logic) operates in three simple steps:
- Detect - We monitor which features you rely on most
- Delete - We remove them without warning
- Deny - We pretend they never existed
Key Features (While They Last)
🎯 Smart Deprecation
The more you use a feature, the faster we remove it. It’s machine learning, but in reverse!
🔄 Surprise Rollbacks
Wake up to find your application running on a version from 2008. Nostalgia included free!
🚫 API Roulette
Endpoints randomly return 410 Gone. It’s not a bug—it’s a feature removal!
📉 Performance Degradation
Your app gets 10% slower each month. We call it “Organic Performance Decay.”
Pricing Tiers - “Paisa Vasool” Edition
As we say in India, “Sasta roye baar baar, mehnga roye ek baar” (The cheap cries often, the expensive cries once). With us, everyone cries equally!
Starter Suffering - ₹8,299/month ($99)
- Remove up to 5 features monthly
- Random 2-hour “chai breaks” (outages)
- Email support (replies in Sanskrit)
Professional Pain - $999/month
- Unlimited feature removal
- Guaranteed data loss quarterly
- Phone support (disconnects after 1 minute)
Enterprise Extinction - Call for pricing
- Complete service elimination
- Personal account manager (who’s always on vacation)
- SLA guaranteeing 50% downtime
Customer Success Stories
“We used to have a functional app. Thanks to Downgrade Pro, now we don’t! Our customers have never been more engaged (in lawsuits).” - TechStartup RIP
“The automatic removal of our payment processing saved us from having to deal with revenue!” - Former Business Inc.
“I didn’t think it was possible to make our service worse, but SWA proved me wrong!” - Optimist Turned Realist
Competitive Advantages
While our competitors focus on “reliability” and “improvement,” we’re brave enough to ask: “What if everything got worse?”
| Feature | Competitors | SWA Downgrade Pro™ |
|---|---|---|
| Uptime | 99.99% | 50% on good days |
| Updates | Add features | Remove features |
| Support | Helpful | Actively harmful |
| Documentation | Accurate | Fictional |
The Roadmap to Nowhere
Q1 2025: Remove database persistence
Q2 2025: Eliminate user authentication
Q3 2025: Delete the delete function
Q4 2025: Discontinue Downgrade Pro (without notice)
Integration Partners
We’re proud to work with:
- Nobody - Because we broke all integrations
- No One - They refused to return our calls
- Null - Literally null
Technical Specifications
reliability: null
performance: degrading
features: decreasing
price: increasing
customer_satisfaction: undefinedMigration Guide
- Don’t
- Seriously, don’t
- It’s too late, we’ve already begun
FAQ
Q: Can I opt out?
A: Opting out is the first feature we removed!
Q: Will my data be safe?
A: Define “safe.” Actually, define “data.” Actually, define “be.”
Q: Is this a joke?
A: Your business depending on us is the joke.
Get Started Today!
Don’t wait! The sooner you sign up, the sooner you can start losing features. Use promo code REGRET2024 for an extra 10% service degradation in your first month!
Downgrade Pro™ is a trademark of Software With Attitude. All rights removed. Your rights were the first feature we deprecated.