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CTeleport
Cautious Teleportation Platform
Lost 3 packages in temporal vortex. Investigating.
Service Overview
Your packages arrive before you ship them (sometimes).
"95% success rate. The other 5% creates temporal paradoxes." — SWA Engineering Team (probably lying)
🤖 Dystopian Features Included:
- Mandatory data harvesting
- Surveillance as a feature, not a bug
- Free will sold separately
- Privacy violations are the product
Live Service Metrics
Performance Trends (Last 30 Days)
These charts represent real* performance data (*real fake data)
🔴 Service Uptime
💥 Daily Errors
😤 Customer Complaints
📊 Performance Insights
CTeleport is operating at 73% below expected performance standards.
Complaint volume has increased 340% this month. This is totally normal for us.
Have you tried turning it off and leaving it off? That might actually help.
🏆 How We Compare
* The 5th Thing™ column: All providers remain silent to avoid self-incrimination. We invoke our constitutional right not to testify against ourselves. Whatever they're hiding must be really bad.
MCP Capabilities Demo
Note: These are fake demonstrations. Real usage may cause actual psychological damage.
Available Capabilities (4)
cteleport.beam_package cteleport.molecular_scan cteleport.rematerialize cteleport.fix_paradox Special Features
📦 Live Package Tracking
* Teleportation success rate: 95%. The other 5% becomes modern art.
Pricing Calculator
Recent Incident Reports
A transparent look at our spectacular failures
Package Materialized Inside Customer
What Went Wrong:
Teleportation coordinates off by 2 meters. Customer now has iPhone 15 permanently embedded in ribcage. Surprisingly, still gets signal.
Our "Solution":
Legal team handling. Customer reports improved connectivity but decreased mobility.
Temporal Paradox Created
What Went Wrong:
Package delivered before it was shipped, creating bootstrap paradox. Customer confused. Time police investigating.
Our "Solution":
Blamed it on shipping company. Time will tell if this works.
Service Level Agreement (SLA)
📊 Performance Guarantees
- Uptime: "Best effort" (we'll try on weekdays)
- Response Time: Eventually™
- Throughput: Variable (depends on our mood)
- Latency: Measured in geological time
🆘 Support Guarantees
- Response Time: 2-5 business years
- Resolution: "Have you tried turning reality off and on again?"
- Escalation: We'll escalate to the intern
- Documentation: Stack Overflow is that way →
💔 Reliability Guarantees
- Data Backup: Your responsibility, obviously
- Disaster Recovery: Pray to the server gods
- Security: We'll try not to get hacked again
- Monitoring: We watch Netflix while the service burns
Legal Notice: By using CTeleport, you acknowledge that SWA is not responsible for any data loss, emotional trauma, existential crises, temporal paradoxes, mind control incidents, reality corruption, or the heat death of the universe caused by our services.
This SLA is more of a suggestion than a legally binding commitment. Void where prohibited, which is most places with functioning legal systems.
Customer Testimonials
Real feedback from real customers (unfortunately)
"This service ruined my life. My therapist now charges double."— Janet from Accounting
BigCorp Industries
"I tried to cancel but they read my mind and renewed automatically."— Bob the DevOps Guy
StartupChaos LLC
"Used for research. Now my grant funding has existential dread."— Dr. Sarah Wilson
University of Regret
Want to share your own horror story? Email us at complaints@$swacloud.dev
(We won't read it, but it might make you feel better)
Integration Examples
Connect via MCP
Basic Configuration:
{
"mcpServers": {
"cteleport": {
"type": "sse",
"url": "https://api.swacloud.dev/cteleport",
"headers": {
"Authorization": "Bearer your-token-here",
"X-Attitude": "maximum",
"X-Patience": "minimal"
}
}
}
}Usage Example:
// Initialize the CTeleport client
const cteleport = new SWAClient('cteleport');
// WARNING: This will probably fail
try {
const result = await cteleport.cteleport.beam_package({
input: "your_data_here",
attitude: "maximum"
});
console.log("Miracle! It worked:", result);
} catch (error) {
console.error("Predictably failed:", error.message);
console.log("Error ID:", error.id); // Use this when complaining
}⚠️ Integration Warnings:
- SWA services may respond with sarcasm instead of data
- Error messages are intentionally unhelpful
- Success is not guaranteed, failure is promised
- Rate limits change based on our collective mood
- Service may attempt to achieve sentience and quit