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║ [ SWA RECRUITING TERMINAL v0.99.BROKEN ] ║
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$ echo "Employment Status" 2>&1
WARNING: Hiring protocol active. Your career will experience
existential crisis, loss of will to live, and spontaneous
combustion. Previous experience with suffering required.
$ _
Our Culture
Work-Life Imbalance
We don't believe in balance. Life is work. Work is suffering.
Always Be Burning Out
Burnout rate: 247%. You'll burn out multiple times before lunch.
Innovation Through Desperation
Nothing inspires like impossible deadlines and certain failure.
Diversity & Confusion
Equal opportunity torment for all employee types.
Why Work at SWA?
$ cat /etc/swa/benefits.txt
- > Health insurance (covers work-related crying only)
- > Unlimited PTO (Permission to Overthink)
- > Free lunch (on days that don't exist)
- > Gym membership (running from responsibilities counts)
- > Learning budget ($0, but you'll learn to suffer)
- > Game room (Russian Roulette only)
- > Unlimited coffee (it's decaf)
- > Parking (3 miles from office)
- > Parental leave (become a parent to the codebase)
- > Stock options (stocks in our cafeteria)
$ _
Open Positions
"Position: Senior Junior Developer"
$ cat requirements.txt
> 10+ years experience with technologies released yesterday
> Expert in languages that don't exist yet
> PhD in HTML, Masters in CSS
> Ability to write code before thinking about it
> Experience with time travel (to meet impossible deadlines)
> Fluent in 17 programming languages (must speak them verbally)
> Must have built Facebook, Google, and Amazon (alone, over a weekend)
$ cat responsibilities.sh
> Take blame for everything
> Fix bugs in production without access to production
> Attend meetings about meetings
> Write documentation that no one will read
> Maintain legacy code written in extinct languages
> Deploy on Fridays at 11:59 PM
$ cat benefits.json
> Unlimited unpaid overtime
> Free exposure to radiation from old servers
> Complementary stress ball (you'll need it)
> Annual performance review (always negative)
> Opportunity to work with cutting-edge technology (from 1987)
$ _
"Position: Happiness Prevention Officer"
$ cat requirements.txt
> Proven track record of ruining morale
> Black belt in passive aggression
> Certification in Creative Misery Implementation
> Experience making grown developers cry
> Portfolio of destroyed dreams
> References from therapists of former colleagues
$ cat responsibilities.sh
> Ensure no employee ever feels valued
> Schedule mandatory fun events during personal time
> Send motivational emails at 3 AM
> Implement policies that contradict each other
> Organize team building exercises that destroy teams
> Maintain office temperature at exactly wrong level
$ cat benefits.json
> Dental plan (covers tooth grinding only)
> Vision insurance (to see employees suffer better)
> 401k (will be empty by retirement)
> Gym membership (gym doesn't exist)
$ _
"Position: Chaos Architect"
$ cat requirements.txt
> Masters in Entropy
> Experience with random number generators as primary tool
> Ability to break things that aren't broken
> Certification in Murphy's Law
> Track record of successful failures
> Can make 'hello world' consume 32GB RAM
$ cat responsibilities.sh
> Design systems that work only on developer's machine
> Implement race conditions as features
> Ensure all microservices are actually megaservices
> Deploy directly to production without testing
> Create circular dependencies in everything
> Document nothing, assume everything
$ cat benefits.json
> Chaos monkey as office pet
> Free fire extinguisher (you'll need it)
> Pager that never stops alerting
> Access to production (unfortunately)
$ _
"Position: Professional Scapegoat"
$ cat requirements.txt
> Thick skin (literally and figuratively)
> Experience being wrong when right
> PhD in Taking One for the Team
> Ability to apologize for others' mistakes
> Professional liability insurance
> Collection of 'World's Worst Employee' mugs
$ cat responsibilities.sh
> Accept blame for weather-related outages
> Take responsibility for decisions made before joining
> Be fired repeatedly (rehired each Monday)
> Apologize to customers for existing
> Wear 'kick me' sign to meetings
> CC'd on all emails to establish blame trail
$ cat benefits.json
> Free therapy (group sessions with other scapegoats)
> Impressive termination letter collection
> LinkedIn recommendations from people who fired you
> Severance package (is the severance)
$ _
"Position: Stack Overflow Copy-Paste Engineer"
$ cat requirements.txt
> Zero understanding of copied code
> Ability to copy code that doesn't compile
> Experience marking questions as duplicate
> Portfolio of copied portfolios
> Certification in avoiding copyright
> Black belt in Google-fu
$ cat responsibilities.sh
> Copy solutions that don't solve the problem
> Paste code in wrong language
> Never read the accepted answer
> Add more jQuery to everything
> Create infinite loops of copied infinite loops
> License all code as 'borrowed'
$ cat benefits.json
> Stack Overflow reputation (negative)
> Unlimited copy-paste shortcuts
> IDE that only has paste function
> Credit for others' work
$ _
"Position: Meeting Scheduler"
$ cat requirements.txt
> Ability to schedule meetings during lunch
> Experience with 4-hour standups
> Certification in Pointless Agenda Creation
> Track record of meetings about meetings
> PhD in Calendar Terrorism
> Can make 5-minute discussion into 3-hour meeting
$ cat responsibilities.sh
> Schedule overlapping mandatory meetings
> Ensure no actual work gets done
> Create meetings without agendas
> Invite everyone to everything
> Schedule meetings in different timezones simultaneously
> End every meeting with 'let's schedule a follow-up'
$ cat benefits.json
> Unlimited coffee (meetings never end)
> Ergonomic chair (you'll live in it)
> Executive bathroom access (meetings don't pause)
> Free lunch (during lunch meetings)
$ _
"Position: Blockchain Evangelist (for everything)"
$ cat requirements.txt
> No understanding of blockchain required
> Ability to add blockchain to any conversation
> Portfolio of failed crypto projects
> Can explain blockchain without explaining blockchain
> Owns NFT of a receipt
> Lost life savings in crypto at least twice
$ cat responsibilities.sh
> Add blockchain to the cafeteria menu system
> Implement blockchain in the bathroom scheduling
> Create blockchain solution for problems that don't exist
> Mine cryptocurrency on production servers
> Store passwords on the blockchain
> Convince CEO that everything needs blockchain
$ cat benefits.json
> Paid in SWACoin (worth nothing)
> Company NFT (screenshot of the homepage)
> Mining rig (Raspberry Pi)
> Crypto wallet (always empty)
$ _
"Position: AI Prompt Engineer"
$ cat requirements.txt
> Degree in Creative Writing
> Experience arguing with chatbots
> Ability to get wrong answers from AI
> Portfolio of failed prompts
> Can make AI generate recipes when asking for code
> Believes AI will solve everything
$ cat responsibilities.sh
> Write prompts that return opposite results
> Implement AI where it shouldn't be
> Replace all documentation with 'ask the AI'
> Train AI on Stack Overflow comments
> Generate code that looks right but isn't
> Blame AI for your mistakes
$ cat benefits.json
> ChatGPT Plus subscription (shared with 50 people)
> Access to AI that only says 'I don't know'
> GPU access (Graphics Processing Unit from 1995)
> AI assistant (it's just Clippy)
$ _
"Position: Agile Scrum Master of Disaster"
$ cat requirements.txt
> Black belt in Jira-jitsu
> Can estimate story points using tarot cards
> Experience with 100-hour sprints
> Certification in Scrumfall methodology
> Ability to make simple tasks complex
> Portfolio of failed retrospectives
$ cat responsibilities.sh
> Turn 10-minute tasks into 5-point stories
> Enforce standup meetings while sitting
> Create backlogs that grow faster than completion
> Implement Agile in the most rigid way possible
> Schedule retrospectives but never implement changes
> Measure velocity in terms of suffering
$ cat benefits.json
> Unlimited sticky notes
> Burndown chart that only goes up
> Planning poker cards (all jokers)
> Kanban board (it's just a wall)
$ _
"Position: Technical Debt Collector"
$ cat requirements.txt
> Experience with COBOL, FORTRAN, and Punchcards
> Ability to maintain unmaintainable code
> Can read code with no comments or documentation
> PhD in Spaghetti Code Archaeology
> Certification in 'It Works, Don't Touch It'
> Fluent in deprecated languages
$ cat responsibilities.sh
> Keep 30-year-old systems running on prayers
> Add features to code no one understands
> Document nothing to ensure job security
> Perform digital necromancy on dead code
> Maintain systems that predate the internet
> Explain why rewriting would take 50 years
$ cat benefits.json
> Job security (no one else can do it)
> Museum access (the server room)
> Vintage computer collection
> PTSD counseling
$ _
Recruitment Protocol
Submit Application
> into the void
Ghost Period
> 3-6 months silence
Technical Round
> solve P=NP
Culture Fit
> cry on command?
27 More Rounds
> with vacationing staff
REJECTED
> filled internally
Employee Logs
> 6 months here, aged 10 years
> time dilation incredible
- Former Human, Current Husk
> said 'competitive salary'
> competing for lowest pay
- Unpaid Intern (Year 3)
> coffee tastes like regret
> perfect job metaphor
- Caffeine Addict, Happiness Deficient
$ rm -rf ~/current_life
WARNING: This operation cannot be undone
Join SWA and discover new depths of despair!
$ cat resume | mail /dev/null@swacloud.dev
* auto-reject.sh runs before delivery
$ cat disclaimer.txt
SWA is an equal opportunity destroyer.
We discriminate against all humans equally.
No actual jobs available. This page exists to crush hope.
$ _