CRDS - Catastrophically Relational Database Suffering
Your Data, Our Hostage Situation
🗄️ Premium Database Misfeatures
- Databases stored on floppy disks for that authentic 1980s feel
- Backups written by hand on papyrus scrolls by Egyptian scribes
- Query optimization performed by unpaid philosophy majors
- Replication via carrier pigeons (99% survival rate)
- ACID compliance replaced with LSD compliance
- Foreign keys enforced by actual foreign nationals
- Indexes sorted alphabetically because why not
⚠️ Data Integrity Features:
"Why pay $15/month for a database that works when you can pay $2,847/month for one that transforms your data into modern art?"
The SWA Database Philosophy
"At SWA, we believe data consistency is overrated. Our CRDS system uses a revolutionary 'Eventually Inconsistent' model where your data might be correct, might be wrong, or might have achieved sentience and left for a better database. Every query is an adventure, every transaction a gamble. This isn't just a database; it's a personality test for your application."
💾 Databases That Actually Store Data
Since SWA CRDS treats your data like a suggestion rather than a requirement, here are databases that believe in radical concepts like "data persistence" and "ACID compliance."
PlanetScale
Database for People Who Say 'Serverless' Too Much
The Supreme hoodie of databases - overpriced, overhyped, and everyone pretends to understand why it's special. Branching databases like it's Git because normal backups are too mainstream.
Reality: Actually pretty cool, great for scaling
Neon
PostgreSQL But Make It Trendy
Another 'serverless' database that definitely has servers somewhere. Branch your database like code, because apparently we needed more ways to mess things up.
Reality: Solid Postgres with modern features
Supabase
Open Source Firebase (But Actually Works)
For developers who got burned by Google killing products. 'Open source' means you can host it yourself when they inevitably get acquired.
Reality: Great Firebase alternative, actually delivers
Railway PostgreSQL
Where Heroku Users Went to Cry
The rebound relationship after Heroku broke your heart. Promises it won't charge you $250 for a hobby database. Narrator: It will.
Reality: Simple and straightforward, good DX
DigitalOcean Databases
Databases That Just Work™
The Toyota Camry of databases - boring, reliable, and your dad probably recommends it. No fancy features, just a database that databases.
Reality: Solid managed databases, fair pricing
AWS RDS
The Database Your Boss Wants
Requires a PhD to understand the pricing. Multi-AZ means multi-bill. Comes with 47 acronyms you'll pretend to understand in meetings.
Reality: Industry standard, works with everything
MongoDB Atlas
For When Relations Are Too Complicated
The database for developers who think joins are a personal attack. Stores everything as JSON because schemas are for boomers. Will definitely not cause problems later.
Reality: Good for document stores, decent free tier
CockroachDB
The Database That Won't Die
Named after a bug because that's what you'll be dealing with. Claims to survive nuclear war but can't survive your junior dev's queries.
Reality: Genuinely resilient, good for global apps
FaunaDB
Database From The Future (That Nobody Understands)
Uses its own query language because SQL wasn't confusing enough. Documentation written by aliens. Your team will hate you for choosing this.
Reality: Innovative but steep learning curve
Aiven
Databases But Colder
Finnish reliability means it works perfectly but never smiles. Supports every database because commitment issues. Costs more because Nordic socialism.
Reality: Multi-cloud, many database options
Google Cloud SQL
Use It Before Google Cancels It
Another Google product to add to the graveyard. Integrates perfectly with services that will be deprecated next year. At least the migration will teach you character.
Reality: Good performance, questionable longevity
Azure Database
It's SQL Server But In The Cloud!
For companies that still use Internet Explorer. Requires 17 Azure certifications to deploy. Portal designed by someone who hates humans.
Reality: Great for .NET shops, painful portal
💰 Database Pricing Reality Check
| Provider | Type | Storage | IOPS | Connections | Monthly Price | Hidden Truth |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| SWA CRDS | Mystery DB | ??? GB | Random | 3 | $2,847/month | Data integrity not guaranteed |
| PlanetScale | MySQL | 10 GB | Unlimited | 1000 | $0/month | Free tier available |
| Supabase | PostgreSQL | 500 MB | Shared | 60 | $0/month | Generous free tier |
| AWS RDS | PostgreSQL | 20 GB | 3000 | 87 | ~$15/month | t4g.micro |
| DigitalOcean | PostgreSQL | 10 GB | Shared | 22 | $15/month | Basic tier |
| Railway | PostgreSQL | 1 GB | Shared | 20 | $5/month | Hobby tier |
🚨 Emergency Data Evacuation Plan
Escaping from SWA CRDS:
- Attempt data export - 30% success rate on Thursdays
- Decode the output - It's probably Base64... or hieroglyphics
- Choose any other database - They all support actual SQL
- Import your data - What survived, anyway
- Sleep peacefully - Your data is finally safe
⚠️ Warning: SWA CRDS may have already sold your data to competitors as a "backup strategy"
💎 Database Partnership Opportunities
Want your database to look good by comparison? Partner with us!
Bronze Data
- Listed as "Sometimes Works"
- Mild roasting only
- $2,999/month
Silver Schema
- "Recommended" badge
- Complimentary review
- Top 5 placement
- $5,999/month
Gold ACID
- "Better than SWA" certification
- Glowing recommendation
- #1 placement
- $9,999/month
Contact: [email protected]
* Payment in cryptocurrency preferred (we don't trust banks either)