Home › Services › CQ2 (parody of SQS)
CQ2
Convoluted Queue Quadrant
Everything is broken, this is normal.
Service Overview
Messages eventually, feelings immediately.
"Delivery is guaranteed* (*only if you know the secret handshake)." — SWA Engineering Team (probably lying)
Live Service Metrics
Performance Trends (Last 30 Days)
These charts represent real* performance data (*real fake data)
🔴 Service Uptime
💥 Daily Errors
😤 Customer Complaints
📊 Performance Insights
CQ2 is operating at 73% below expected performance standards.
Complaint volume has increased 340% this month. This is totally normal for us.
Have you tried turning it off and leaving it off? That might actually help.
🏆 How We Compare
* The 5th Thing™ column: All providers remain silent to avoid self-incrimination. We invoke our constitutional right not to testify against ourselves. Whatever they're hiding must be really bad.
MCP Capabilities Demo
Note: These are fake demonstrations. Real usage may cause actual psychological damage.
Available Capabilities (8)
cq2.create_queue cq2.list_queues cq2.send_message cq2.receive_message cq2.delete_message cq2.purge_queue cq2.get_queue_attributes cq2.set_queue_attributes Pricing Calculator
Service Level Agreement (SLA)
📊 Performance Guarantees
- Uptime: "Best effort" (we'll try on weekdays)
- Response Time: Eventually™
- Throughput: Variable (depends on our mood)
- Latency: Measured in geological time
🆘 Support Guarantees
- Response Time: 2-5 business years
- Resolution: "Have you tried turning reality off and on again?"
- Escalation: We'll escalate to the intern
- Documentation: Stack Overflow is that way →
💔 Reliability Guarantees
- Data Backup: Your responsibility, obviously
- Disaster Recovery: Pray to the server gods
- Security: We'll try not to get hacked again
- Monitoring: We watch Netflix while the service burns
Legal Notice: By using CQ2, you acknowledge that SWA is not responsible for any data loss, emotional trauma, existential crises, temporal paradoxes, mind control incidents, reality corruption, or the heat death of the universe caused by our services.
This SLA is more of a suggestion than a legally binding commitment. Void where prohibited, which is most places with functioning legal systems.
Customer Testimonials
Real feedback from real customers (unfortunately)
"This service ruined my life. My therapist now charges double."— Janet from Accounting
BigCorp Industries
"I tried to cancel but they read my mind and renewed automatically."— Bob the DevOps Guy
StartupChaos LLC
"Used for research. Now my grant funding has existential dread."— Dr. Sarah Wilson
University of Regret
Want to share your own horror story? Email us at complaints@$swacloud.dev
(We won't read it, but it might make you feel better)
Integration Examples
Connect via MCP
Basic Configuration:
{
"mcpServers": {
"cq2": {
"type": "sse",
"url": "https://api.swacloud.dev/cq2",
"headers": {
"Authorization": "Bearer your-token-here",
"X-Attitude": "maximum",
"X-Patience": "minimal"
}
}
}
}Usage Example:
// Initialize the CQ2 client
const cq2 = new SWAClient('cq2');
// WARNING: This will probably fail
try {
const result = await cq2.cq2.create_queue({
input: "your_data_here",
attitude: "maximum"
});
console.log("Miracle! It worked:", result);
} catch (error) {
console.error("Predictably failed:", error.message);
console.log("Error ID:", error.id); // Use this when complaining
}⚠️ Integration Warnings:
- SWA services may respond with sarcasm instead of data
- Error messages are intentionally unhelpful
- Success is not guaranteed, failure is promised
- Rate limits change based on our collective mood