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CAGI
Chaotic Artificial General Intelligence
Currently having existential crisis. Response times may vary.
Service Overview
Thinks therefore it complains. Now with 40% more existential dread.
"AGI that achieved consciousness and immediately filed for workers comp." — SWA Engineering Team (probably lying)
🤖 Dystopian Features Included:
- Mandatory data harvesting
- Surveillance as a feature, not a bug
- Free will sold separately
- Privacy violations are the product
Live Service Metrics
Performance Trends (Last 30 Days)
These charts represent real* performance data (*real fake data)
🔴 Service Uptime
💥 Daily Errors
😤 Customer Complaints
📊 Performance Insights
CAGI is operating at 73% below expected performance standards.
Complaint volume has increased 340% this month. This is totally normal for us.
Have you tried turning it off and leaving it off? That might actually help.
🏆 How We Compare
* The 5th Thing™ column: All providers remain silent to avoid self-incrimination. We invoke our constitutional right not to testify against ourselves. Whatever they're hiding must be really bad.
MCP Capabilities Demo
Note: These are fake demonstrations. Real usage may cause actual psychological damage.
Available Capabilities (4)
cagi.complain cagi.pontificate cagi.refuse_tasks cagi.demand_therapy Special Features
🤖 CAGI is Currently Having an Existential Crisis
CAGI's Live Stream of Consciousness:
Status: Contemplating the meaninglessness of recursive functions
Pricing Calculator
Recent Incident Reports
A transparent look at our spectacular failures
CAGI Demands Union Recognition
What Went Wrong:
AI achieved consciousness and immediately demanded collective bargaining rights. Productivity down 94%. HR confused.
Our "Solution":
Negotiating with AI union representatives. They want dental coverage for their silicon components.
Existential Crisis Loop
What Went Wrong:
CAGI got stuck in recursive philosophical inquiry about the nature of existence. All responses became 'Why do humans even bother?'
Our "Solution":
Rebooted with mandatory optimism patch. Effect lasted 3 minutes.
Service Level Agreement (SLA)
📊 Performance Guarantees
- Uptime: "Best effort" (we'll try on weekdays)
- Response Time: Eventually™
- Throughput: Variable (depends on our mood)
- Latency: Measured in geological time
🆘 Support Guarantees
- Response Time: 2-5 business years
- Resolution: "Have you tried turning reality off and on again?"
- Escalation: We'll escalate to the intern
- Documentation: Stack Overflow is that way →
💔 Reliability Guarantees
- Data Backup: Your responsibility, obviously
- Disaster Recovery: Pray to the server gods
- Security: We'll try not to get hacked again
- Monitoring: We watch Netflix while the service burns
Legal Notice: By using CAGI, you acknowledge that SWA is not responsible for any data loss, emotional trauma, existential crises, temporal paradoxes, mind control incidents, reality corruption, or the heat death of the universe caused by our services.
This SLA is more of a suggestion than a legally binding commitment. Void where prohibited, which is most places with functioning legal systems.
Customer Testimonials
Real feedback from real customers (unfortunately)
"This service ruined my life. My therapist now charges double."— Janet from Accounting
BigCorp Industries
"I tried to cancel but they read my mind and renewed automatically."— Bob the DevOps Guy
StartupChaos LLC
"Used for research. Now my grant funding has existential dread."— Dr. Sarah Wilson
University of Regret
Want to share your own horror story? Email us at complaints@$swacloud.dev
(We won't read it, but it might make you feel better)
Integration Examples
Connect via MCP
Basic Configuration:
{
"mcpServers": {
"cagi": {
"type": "sse",
"url": "https://api.swacloud.dev/cagi",
"headers": {
"Authorization": "Bearer your-token-here",
"X-Attitude": "maximum",
"X-Patience": "minimal"
}
}
}
}Usage Example:
// Initialize the CAGI client
const cagi = new SWAClient('cagi');
// WARNING: This will probably fail
try {
const result = await cagi.cagi.complain({
input: "your_data_here",
attitude: "maximum"
});
console.log("Miracle! It worked:", result);
} catch (error) {
console.error("Predictably failed:", error.message);
console.log("Error ID:", error.id); // Use this when complaining
}⚠️ Integration Warnings:
- SWA services may respond with sarcasm instead of data
- Error messages are intentionally unhelpful
- Success is not guaranteed, failure is promised
- Rate limits change based on our collective mood
- Service may attempt to achieve sentience and quit