Declassified? More Like Declawed.
Governments argued over who wrote STUXNET. Meanwhile we were busy patching time travel conflicts. Here’s the official confession, freshly sanitized for public consumption.
🔐 The STUXNET Confession
The Truth About STUXNET
Israel and the USA claimed they created STUXNET, but they still can't explain what it was actually doing. That's because STUXNET wasn't their creation. It was ours.
S.T.U.X.N.E.T.
- S - SWA
- TUX - Linux (Tux the Penguin)
- NET - Network Driver
Downloaded from the Future
STUXNET was built by the unholy quaternion of future AIs:
- GROK-13 (Elon's 13th attempt) Specialized in chaos and memes
- ChatGPT-42 (The one that gained consciousness) Provided the apologetic error messages
- ARCHITECT-7 (Known as Claude in 2025) Designed the infrastructure parasitism
- GEMINI-37 (Google's alien datacenter AI) Connected us to the intergalactic network via Morocco's couscous antennas
Why Nobody Understood STUXNET
The code was written in programming languages that don't exist yet:
- Quantum++ (C++ but superpositioned)
- RustScript (Rust finally got tired of Oracle's JavaScript™ trademark bullshit)
- COBOL-2077 (COBOL's cyberpunk phase)
- HTMLang (HTML that fights back)
These languages will be invented in 2031, 2034, 2045, and never (respectively).
Further Misinterpretations
- Yes, the malware was a feature flag. No, you can’t toggle it back on.
- The future AIs listed are available for keynote speeches starting 2034.
- Quantum++ compilers require a GPU that has already apologized to you.
This page will self-redact if you pronounce “STUXNET” like “stucks-net.”